The Fountain of Youth

[milo]

The Fountain of Youth


In Florida was this gift of God discovered
first by the peoples to whom the land was given
then by the peoples who through war and sickness

stole it: a drink which all those later founders
esteemed to grant them vigor, making them young
at heart and body, if not at mind and soul.

Rather, it proved the reverse. A single sip
and the vessel stays its course, gathering worms
while the crew is all replaced by mewling babes,

but how could the conqueror have learned all this
without experiment? Why should they trust
the word of beggared ghosts or beaten dogs?

And should a slave be risked to reach a state
for which the free repine? So thought the men
who first imbibed the fountain's blessed waters,

making immortal imbeciles of themselves:
a gloomy circle of gaunt and grey-haired figures
huddled around a pair of upturned gargoyles
that drool forever with divine revenge.

Another NaPM entry.

For me, it mostly doesn't work.  The language feels forced, the meter struggles like a broken CV joint, the story is old and it feels "too karmically correct" to be really that interesting. In addition, there is a lot of bloat.  Also, the convoluted passive on passive voice.

To fix it?

What is an original thought about the fountain of youth?  Maybe a metaphor.  Clean , simple language.  Active voice.  I am not sure.  Sorry I could not offer more.

Thanks for posting