2 hours ago
(11 hours ago)RiverNotch Wrote: WallsI get it - old fortress walls protected, these new ones only separate bad neighbors. Aside from the suggested tweaks above, an alternate theme might be that once walls secured cities in time of war, now whole nations when the states of war and peace are no longer separate. But nations can't have roofs, so the hate vaults over, wire and all.
Do good, O Lord, unto Sion in thy good pleasure, might be paraphrased to better fit meter, but hard to beat the KJV, so stet.
and let the walls of Jerusalem be builded.
Then shall they offer bullocks upon thine altar.
These great big stones give way to bricks give way "great big" is out of character for the rest... "Cyclopean" would sort of fit (g)
to sand, aggregate, water, and cement transposing "sand" and "aggregate" would fit IP
poured into lattices of carbon steel brilliant description
topped with more steel---this time squeezed into wires drawn rather than squeezed, to be exact, unless it's razor ribbon
then twisted into barbs---now meant to part
what all the earlier were built to keep this whole sequence (part-keep united) is difficult to follow. Perhaps "masonry (was)" for "earlier"
if not united then at least alive,
now all they cannot build's a roof and spires is there an assumed "that (all they cannot...)" here?
completely hollow and at the very top suggestion for meter - "completely hollow at their very top"
left open to the judgement of the stars:
the smoke would be a hazard to the health, perhaps "good" for "the"
the cries more of a nuisance than the odd
bursting of drones and rockets over streets---
the contradictions would be made too clear,
the bullocks that for their altar they had picked perhaps "the bullocks they had picked for sacrifice"
ordained by their true sovereign to live.
Hoping some of that is useful.
As for chimneys... drones are Evil Santa Claus (Futurama reference).
Non-practicing atheist