Yesterday, 06:55 AM
(Yesterday, 04:49 AM)dukealien Wrote: Small MemoriamHi Duke,
It’s possible to feel sincere regret
for acts which cannot be undone and yet
on balance had to be accomplished. Pet
he was not, just a common long-tailed mouse
who got inside somehow... but in my house
companionable, made me feel a louse not sure this word works
for plotting his demise. He’d sit and view
computer movies ‘til I saw him, too,
then run when noticed. Though I had a few
ideas how to catch him, nothing worked -
he’d lick the bait from traps but never jerked
it hard enough to snap. And still he lurked:
made my den his, disdained a live-catch trap,
watched DVDs with me, left tiny crap
on pantry floors, chewed through the Mylar wrap
of chips and croutons, showing his good taste.
I miss him now, for in my and his haste
for solitude and food we laid him waste. I would leave this implied, ie cut these lines
I see him from the corner of my eye–
his ghost, it must be, mouse that had to die.
And that’s what’s best for him and me, I lie.
I enjoyed this one. I just have some basic suggestions at this point. First, consider making your opening lines a question rather than a statement. Second, I would recommend trying to streamline the middle focusing on how the mouse became a reluctant (on narrator's part) companion and make the evasion of the narrator's traps light. It's a good story with a lot of potential which you have mostly realized and made better with a little honing. I like the ending very much. I look forward to seeing how you revise.
Take care,
Bryn