Yesterday, 07:05 AM
A brief …
The first line is a statement. Reads as thesis, but is telegraphing a thesis (an intended meaning) necessary? An anchoring/orienting description: possibly or not necessary
Macrame: this word pulls me in two different directions. Macrame is made of knots but is is also open-work lace. Which macrame is meant? How can you play with this, if desired?
“To garden is to suffer”
We pause again to orient. This line has an interesting effect. It appears to stiffen up the author, so much so that they proceed with the stiff “one”. Not me/I not even you. Use of “one” suggests habituation, and is incongruent with the title. The title suggests this poem is more episodic. “I woke up feeling so… this morning”.
The next lines after this pause are exuberant like an unweeded garden. They’re the best bit of the poem, and made me happy. The effect is almost surrealist (though you could argue it means to become metarealist, not to put strings around your words like that, though). And I can tell you like these lines, too, because you then snap back to yourself. I and me are back, no more “one”.
“It doesn’t really matter what I plant: death is still death”
Another telegraph. Your last line in this strophe “after a dozen…” is more interesting, imo.
“Still I think … not sleep well”
Some good lines here. Unsure if they belong in the poem. Just unsure.
“Time remains…”
These last lines are interesting. And they telegraph as well. An observation, not an immediate problem.
Over all: you have fun when you write and I can tell and I like you for it.
The first line is a statement. Reads as thesis, but is telegraphing a thesis (an intended meaning) necessary? An anchoring/orienting description: possibly or not necessary
Macrame: this word pulls me in two different directions. Macrame is made of knots but is is also open-work lace. Which macrame is meant? How can you play with this, if desired?
“To garden is to suffer”
We pause again to orient. This line has an interesting effect. It appears to stiffen up the author, so much so that they proceed with the stiff “one”. Not me/I not even you. Use of “one” suggests habituation, and is incongruent with the title. The title suggests this poem is more episodic. “I woke up feeling so… this morning”.
The next lines after this pause are exuberant like an unweeded garden. They’re the best bit of the poem, and made me happy. The effect is almost surrealist (though you could argue it means to become metarealist, not to put strings around your words like that, though). And I can tell you like these lines, too, because you then snap back to yourself. I and me are back, no more “one”.
“It doesn’t really matter what I plant: death is still death”
Another telegraph. Your last line in this strophe “after a dozen…” is more interesting, imo.
“Still I think … not sleep well”
Some good lines here. Unsure if they belong in the poem. Just unsure.
“Time remains…”
These last lines are interesting. And they telegraph as well. An observation, not an immediate problem.
Over all: you have fun when you write and I can tell and I like you for it.