Unequal Contest

[busker]

Unequal Contest


I watched a crow harass a hawk today,
black gestures twisting, flapping hard sometimes;
at others, canny turns against soft blue.
As natural, almost, as Nemesis,
crow tacked against resistance of scorched air
and struggled to gain place above, in front
of cloud-gray raptor:  smooth, invisible,
responding lazily on outspread wings.
Each time the striving crow had almost gained
position to attack, to stoop, to nip,
hawk’s weight - designed for lethal diving strikes
with hardened bone and muscle, corvo beak -
extended, trading altitude for speed
which left the crow behind, a blowing chuff
of chaff not worth attacking, but endowed
with wild ambition, laughter in the face
of beauty, grace, assured mortality.

The first line recalls Hopkins’s poem, which is unfair for any poem. 
Removing the “I watched” might help there 

The last line is the whole point of the poem, but it’s not all that stunning, and comes after a lot of convoluted narration. The payoff just isn’t there. Or as they say, the juice doesn’t justify the squeeze.

I think you’d need to pare it down a fair bit, keeping just the most striking parts (pun unintended)