3 hours ago
(5 hours ago)Bunx Wrote: A Gardeners Fall
I spend the day
kneeling on grass.
Bruised knuckles make her wonder
why I'm covered in dirt.
Something feels nice about it.
Going hours with a single thought,
spotting weeds that don't belong
around flowers raised by thorns.
Cuts on my hand hide old scars
from memories camouflaged
in a past I wish I could celebrate.
Trauma feels like a stone to shovel.
Picking rocks with my hands
then digging away the soil.
Sweat on sunned skin
with knees on cement.
Then I think
it's not me I lament.
Sometimes it's takes pruning a rose.
Planting new flowers after digging up stones.
Trees knocking off your favorite hat.
Laughing with an old friend.
Be open to letting pain degrade in soil,
hoping for the best next season.
Hi Bunx! Don't know that I've read from you before. Nice to see you around here.
I like this poem best when the narrator is being plainspoken, which seems to suit them: "Something feels nice about it" is easily the most compelling line for me. Such a blunt declarative, with no affectation whatsoever. There's humility and real vulnerability there, which contrasts nicely with the rough, tactile imagery of S1.
The first moment I really question is "around flowers raised by thorns." The syntax gets a little complex in a way that is potentially confusing (does "around" modify "spotting" or "don't belong"?), and "flowers raised by thorns" strikes me as kinda cheezy (sorry).
This dangerously cheeze-adjacent tone continues into S3, which I would just cut. "Trauma feels like a stone to shovel" is an interesting metaphor, but personally, I am gonna take a lot of convincing to accept "trauma" being used in earnest in a poem. It's such a loaded word, and I think we're often best served by avoiding words that do too much speaking for themselves (unless the goal is to confront and subvert those inherited semantic expectations).
I like "picking... digging away the soil." Good sound there, IMO, and it's just a very clean, specific image with a lot of potential resonance - it invites implicature. "Sweat on sunned skin with knees on cement" is annoying poemy language, and it seems like mostly a restatement of scenic information I've already been given (see: S1).
The cement/lament rhyme also strikes me as too cute/more distracting than productive.
The run from "rose..." to "laughing with an old friend" is interesting. I feel like I would like it to have more weight somehow. "Sometimes it takes" what takes these things? Maybe the speaker could be a bit less coy about their interior world here.
Final couplet needs to go; don't summarize your intentions.
Thanks for letting me read <3