Because I once loved you there
#14
(09-15-2026, 09:56 AM)ouroboros Wrote:  
(05-27-2026, 10:00 AM)busker Wrote:  Apologies if I've posted this before, perhaps in a NaPM. It was sitting in my drafts for a long time awaiting rediscovery.

Because I once loved you there

Because I once loved you there
London's precious to me.
The poems written about you there 
were really letters to me.

Love is the only foolish
adventuring we do -
no scraps with a ghostly, ghoulish,
pirate clipper’s crew

are had in life, spent sourly
making bandit barons kings.
Some places keep their pearly 
moon white angels’ wings

because I loved you. Unaware,
like ghosts and ghouls, you’ll haunt me there.

I love this work! The last stanza really ties everything together and brings together your message. The only thing throwing me off is your first sentence, but I'm not really sure why. I feel as if "Because I loved you there/London's precious to me" reads as partially rushed and the rhythm isn't as developed as some of your other brilliant rhymes. I'm a very amateur writer, so please take this critique with a grain of salt! Keep up the lovely work. Smile
Hi Ouroboros - thanks for the crit 
The first line is “because I once loved you there”, which fits the metre. Dropping the once would I agree make the line clumsy and awkward.
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Messages In This Thread
Because I once loved you there - by busker - 05-27-2026, 10:00 AM
RE: Because I once loved you there - by milo - 05-27-2026, 10:02 AM
RE: Because I once loved you there - by busker - 05-27-2026, 10:04 AM
RE: Because I once loved you there - by milo - 05-27-2026, 10:05 AM
RE: Because I once loved you there - by busker - 05-27-2026, 08:06 PM
RE: Because I once loved you there - by brynmawr1 - 05-29-2026, 12:34 PM
RE: Because I once loved you there - by busker - 05-30-2026, 08:21 PM
RE: Because I once loved you there - by Bitnee - 09-11-2026, 06:51 AM
RE: Because I once loved you there - by ouroboros - 09-15-2026, 09:56 AM
RE: Because I once loved you there - by busker - 09-15-2026, 02:15 PM
RE: Because I once loved you there - by milo - 09-15-2026, 07:50 PM
RE: Because I once loved you there - by milo - 09-16-2026, 07:38 AM
RE: Because I once loved you there - by busker - 09-16-2026, 07:53 AM
RE: Because I once loved you there - by Bruce V - 09-16-2026, 12:12 AM



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