On Falling From a Bicycle, Hitting One’s Head

[matsunosuperfan]

On Falling From a Bicycle, Hitting One’s Head
Hard and Waking to a Not Unkindly Caretaker
Named Jean-Marie

Violence has always been a friend my favorite poems almost start out with an [b]assertion like this one[/b]
to France, where the wineglass was invented an effective line break; I wouldn't change these first two lines
based on how a neck without its head looks you don't mention the person here? is that intentional?
more or less like a young woman’s breast, this shock value line works like a 4/10 for me. It makes me uncomfortable that you specified a 'young' woman
or so the story goes. I always want to ask, is this a popular connection to make? I would not know
What story? and Where does it go? but I know I really like how you ask full questions without a line break
being clever gets you killed, and I enjoy my life. I haven't fully parsed this line yet
I don’t want to be separated quite yet who are you being separated from?
from the magic bean, the prune that stirs the drink. Amuse I really appreciate the unconventionality of the word 'Amuse' here
ma bouche, Napoleon—I think that’s Gertrude Stein. It might just be lines break seem arbitrary here
Joan Rivers though. There’s no way to be sure. If you’re blessed again with the full sentences on one line; very unconventional and creates character
with a strong idea, never look it up. thesis statement, but would like you to weave it in better
The facts too often prove it wrong, and then do you speak from experience?
what can you do? You can’t just go on fucking anything I wish you didn't used a swear word here; as it seems excessively abrasive 
that pulls off leather. Once they take your blood how does this connect back to the rest of the poem?
there’s no pretending you’re not sick. true, but being more specific would be helpful to your point here
It was William Carlos who first called the hospital nice use of a plural noun
contagious, clocked its hallways white as pain, 'clocked', as in the modern usage? quite jarring here to be honest
as valium and sheep. It’s a barbaric business, nowhere alliteration is very effective here
anyone should hurry. You take one step disgusting line break, I strive to write poetry like this
through those glass doors, the meter starts to run. End it on a more final note, if finality it your intention

Okay first of all, this was quite a lot to take in a first. It was worth my time though. I would give the poem a 7/10 overall. Where it lacks in conherance it makes up for in meaphor and line breaks. My favorite line is 'anyone should hurry. You take one step', mostly because of the grandiose of it and the line break. In terms of cutting, I would cut 40-50% of the lines in here, and rework them into an entirely separate piece.

Then there is the title. I still do not understand how it connects to the poem (you don't mention Jean-Marie). That is one of my biggest critques with this piece. Something I really appreciated though was the full sentences in one line, as I have never seen it done like that before in poetry. In short, more connective tissue and less flowerly language. Thanks for sharing! - Deor Ana Log

Thanks so much for reading! I appreciate the detailed notes. Good to see that one line made someone "uncomfortable" <3 
"clocked" also distracts me but somehow I want to keep it