8 hours ago
After seven years, I was surprised
the ash tree fell so quiet.
Its body, once a home for bees,
had been a hollow shell
for weeks (being wise, the bees had gone
their separate way a month before,
knowing it had died). thinking more, knowing death had come. or similar might hit even harder. though I do like the incidental assonant rhyme with "quiet"
Two centuries it stood
and now it lies
a lair for moss and worms,
reluctant
even gravity
should ever take it back.
--
something like that maybe. just think this needs a bit of elevation of the individual gestures and some clear-eyed trimming of cliche (seconding wasella's feeling that the poem can simply do better in those moments). and to avoid over sharing with lines like "bereft of its past might" - this is a good impulse to learn to resist, the Flat Editorial. it's a poem, not a textbook. usually best to not explain. and "bereft" is an uggy word, I think it wears a monocle.
love the "creeping things" but remembered some good advice from the late great Helen Vendler who might say, why be vague when you could specify?
anyway this grabbed me immediately, a strong imagist gesture with a clear sensibility. glad to have your writing here <3
the ash tree fell so quiet.
Its body, once a home for bees,
had been a hollow shell
for weeks (being wise, the bees had gone
their separate way a month before,
knowing it had died). thinking more, knowing death had come. or similar might hit even harder. though I do like the incidental assonant rhyme with "quiet"
Two centuries it stood
and now it lies
a lair for moss and worms,
reluctant
even gravity
should ever take it back.
--
something like that maybe. just think this needs a bit of elevation of the individual gestures and some clear-eyed trimming of cliche (seconding wasella's feeling that the poem can simply do better in those moments). and to avoid over sharing with lines like "bereft of its past might" - this is a good impulse to learn to resist, the Flat Editorial. it's a poem, not a textbook. usually best to not explain. and "bereft" is an uggy word, I think it wears a monocle.
love the "creeping things" but remembered some good advice from the late great Helen Vendler who might say, why be vague when you could specify?
anyway this grabbed me immediately, a strong imagist gesture with a clear sensibility. glad to have your writing here <3