10 hours ago
[fragment for example only]
My throat-tight bid for reconnection
with my sister, in the backseat
of a rental, going through the mountains
of papa’s country in the evening,
never happened. But my gaze welled [...]
I find some of the enjambments interfere with the flow of the message, distracting me from the idea towards the structure. This is partly due to enjambed lines containing critical phrases starting with unemphatic ones (in this example, breaking 'reconnection with my sister' seems to weaken the image of what is obviously the key idea here, also creating a seemingly anomalous coupled emphasis between 'sister' and 'backseat'. But there's also a source of possible of semantic confusion here - 'My throat-tight bid for reconnection' standing separated by enjambment from 'with my sister' could be misinterpreted as a bid for general reconnection (with the world at large?) rather than one specific to the sister.
So might i suggest in this fragment for example, rearrangement on the lines of:
My throat-tight bid for
reconnection with my sister,
in the backseat of a rental,
going through the mountains
of papa’s country in the evening,
never happened.
But my gaze welled [...]
and the same principle for consideration throughout. But this is merely a personal view.
My throat-tight bid for reconnection
with my sister, in the backseat
of a rental, going through the mountains
of papa’s country in the evening,
never happened. But my gaze welled [...]
I find some of the enjambments interfere with the flow of the message, distracting me from the idea towards the structure. This is partly due to enjambed lines containing critical phrases starting with unemphatic ones (in this example, breaking 'reconnection with my sister' seems to weaken the image of what is obviously the key idea here, also creating a seemingly anomalous coupled emphasis between 'sister' and 'backseat'. But there's also a source of possible of semantic confusion here - 'My throat-tight bid for reconnection' standing separated by enjambment from 'with my sister' could be misinterpreted as a bid for general reconnection (with the world at large?) rather than one specific to the sister.
So might i suggest in this fragment for example, rearrangement on the lines of:
My throat-tight bid for
reconnection with my sister,
in the backseat of a rental,
going through the mountains
of papa’s country in the evening,
never happened.
But my gaze welled [...]
and the same principle for consideration throughout. But this is merely a personal view.