Rapture

[Deor Ana Log]

When, in my mind, 
the world drops away, a great opening hook right here
I brush with night,
watch pieces of the sky
fall
into the hollow of my chest interesting when compared to a tree hollow
where I digest
the coital cosmos a fun use of alliteration
breathing velvet
breaths.

At glitter dusk, way too flowerly here
when the world seems to rest
on the precipice of permanence,
I follow the last exhale of a winding day 
up a dusty road I am overloaded with imagery, please cut back
where hooded pines sway.
The fevered hue
darkened, subdued, 10/10 slant rhyme - keep working with this
bruised in its final glow.
The blind moon
climbs the
vault of trees, what is this metaphor for?
moving
with golden ease. too many colors - just way too many colors

Standing in a
river 
of wind, this seems like something I would write
my body snaps
into place
with a crack
like thunder— remove 'like' here
I am alive,
Everything
momentarily make these lines one instead of three
Exact.

format the above stanza to be the first stanza

At mid-day,
when the glass eye of afternoon
sweeps across the bay,
the westward windows cloud with cataract stare, was the word 'cataract' necessary here?
full of everything,
seeing nothing there. the everything/nothing trope is overused in poetry, should cut

I come to water,
hand to sun, does the hand burn or is this another metaphor?
cupping delusions of contentment—
lake of curved alloy, alloy of metal or gold?
mercury-smooth,
where husks of
clover heads nod off
and dragonfly bellies
glow with liquid light what does 'liquid light' mean?
inside
a time-suspended beam. I am very confused with this line

While reading this I was stuck between confusion and more confusion. There are some lines that took my break away, but I could not see how they fit into the context of the poem. Who is this poem for? What is the message you are trying to get across? These are all things I would like know, and woven into the poem.
The title I really like, however I also am unable to make sense of how it connects to the poem.

This pieces earns a 4/10 in my book. This means there in a lot of room for improvement. Find a direction and stick to it. Use that brilliant imagery as an argument for something you are passionate about. Thanks for sharing - Deor Ana Log