Tampered Plates

[alonso ramoran]

Harroldinho,
I saw your message about wanting to compare flock camera surveillance to the male gaze, and I think it's an idea that's ripe with potential. However, the execution leaves more to be desired in clarity and conciseness. I think you can experiment more with the license plate stanzas. As is, it's kind of a slog to read through, all packed together in one stanza, and then it becomes predictable by the time the third stanza of plate "numbers" rolls around, as the reader catches on to the way the poem is sequenced.

Tampered plates

I miss that new car smell.
Fresh rose ribbon.
That piercing red
riding through the hood all i can think of here is the solar panel. honestly need something more concrete to have anything to say about the next couple of lines, but i appreciate what the writer is doing here, implying its own predatory nature by referencing lrrh. it is done very obliquely though and could use more umph
like laser-guided 
double-dutch strobes.
I hate your prickles policing of women's bodies, i can see that. i'm not seeing the bridge yet between surveillance and the male gaze. and i want to, because it is there to write about
you should shave them.
They hurt my hands, and I’m a 
Carpenter.  carpenter v us?
Not the last name though. cut from here---
I pray to Juno,
we’ll be blessed with you know
the thing itself. ---to here, is my suggestion. i like the voice of it, but that's all there is to it. not clear what it is saying
Little lamb, I can save
you from these sc what is sc?
alprs — these paparazzi 
birdhouse-looking clankers. good voice, neat image
You’re getting scammed. cut
The flock arrives – a murder.
Anguish. cut

MINI-VAN ROOF-RACK
HA-LO SHIN-ING.
WRN-KL3S 
RIP-PLE MY-PAINT.
SCH-OOL MOR-NING
TRA-FFIC MAN-EUVERS.
BAR-REL ROLLS
LE-AVE YOU-IN
FIX-ATION PLA-TES.

You’ve blessed my lens.
Stored in amber,
heard you deserved it.
Querying through clouds,
collected like hot wheels cars,
unhealed blisterpacks—
childhood scars. This almost reads like a run of disconnected clauses. Unhealed blisterpacks and childhood scars I can work out. querying and hot wheels i cannot.
I’m up here crucified
while you spread blatant lies.
In my black cap,
Joe Goldberg,
you stand out from the herd.
Wait, that’s not you.
You’re slimmer than I,
with my all-seeing eye.
I’m like your 
big brother. A bit too on the nose for this reader

AL-BAT ROSS-CANT 
SH-OOT MED-OWN.
PH-OTO SHOOT-IM 
A-SELF DRI-VING MO-DEL.
THE-RES NO-SECRET.
IS-TRUT DOWN-THE 
FREE-WAY. GET-YOUR
PAP-ER PLATES.
H4N-DL3 THE-SE 
WIN-GS.

Imported, exotic.
I love your features.
Fluttering wipers cool image
with a wide bumper.
You should show your
grille more! Wendy’s
biggiebag crumbs on the seats.
Love your handles
and the way you handle.
Unlike these American
Kia’s. probably the clearest stanza in the piece, and captures most of what you set it out to do with this piece. have you thought of making this stanza your opening one?

A-2002 TRANS FIRE-BIRD.
LAD -LAZA RUS-IRISE 
WITH-MY RED-HAIR
EAT-MEN LIKE-EYRE.
RAT-HER CHOO-SE 
THE-BEAR.

Thank you for sharing.