Yesterday, 11:07 AM
Hello
You have posted an interesting poem here which seems to be about 2 lovers speaking by a lake but then takes a rather threatening turn as on prompts the other to look into it and reveal what they see. The other obviously lies at first attempting to escape the situation but they are caught out by their own traitorous hands. I can assume (but cannot know which is a shame) that they are a cheat and they will join the fate of Ophelia in the not-too-distant future.
It is written in ballad meter - thank god. It is rather short for a traditional ballad (though there is no length requirement that I know of).
One thing I noticed is that it is easier to read if you can separate the heavy weight of Shakespeare when reading the first 9 lines and then come upon the ending. By that I mean, read it almost like a separate poem and then add the ending mentally. For sure, the title 'Trial by Water' is the key.
"mirror lake" is of course a cliche but probably necessary here as it is supposed to both signify revealing her true nature as well as act as her alibi.
"and tell me what you see" is a pretty prosaic way of wording that in verse.
well, you are using "nought" so I guess the avoiding affectation is out the window. Also, I can't see a reason to abandon the ballad meter here that justifies it. The demotion on "green" is pretty awkward as well - suiting for Shakespearean verse but strange to see in the 21st century.
Overall - I like the premise - the metaphor is dark and presented in an interesting fashion. I think there are some craft issues to clean up as well, perhaps as some choices but it is an interesting piece.
Thanks for posting
You have posted an interesting poem here which seems to be about 2 lovers speaking by a lake but then takes a rather threatening turn as on prompts the other to look into it and reveal what they see. The other obviously lies at first attempting to escape the situation but they are caught out by their own traitorous hands. I can assume (but cannot know which is a shame) that they are a cheat and they will join the fate of Ophelia in the not-too-distant future.
It is written in ballad meter - thank god. It is rather short for a traditional ballad (though there is no length requirement that I know of).
One thing I noticed is that it is easier to read if you can separate the heavy weight of Shakespeare when reading the first 9 lines and then come upon the ending. By that I mean, read it almost like a separate poem and then add the ending mentally. For sure, the title 'Trial by Water' is the key.
(09-22-2026, 10:35 PM)Luckieman Wrote: Trial by Watermeter is a little rough with the forced promotion on "on" - switching to "Look then upon this mirror lake" - although I cannot tell whether you are deliberately avoiding the affectation to avoid the "bard" so to say.
'You tell me all your roving years
you've had no love but me.
Look, then, on this mirror lake,
and tell me what you see.'
"mirror lake" is of course a cliche but probably necessary here as it is supposed to both signify revealing her true nature as well as act as her alibi.
"and tell me what you see" is a pretty prosaic way of wording that in verse.
Quote:'I see but my own face, my dear,
green branches, empty skies...'
'Nought else?
Why then these trembling hands,
that dead light in your eyes?'
well, you are using "nought" so I guess the avoiding affectation is out the window. Also, I can't see a reason to abandon the ballad meter here that justifies it. The demotion on "green" is pretty awkward as well - suiting for Shakespearean verse but strange to see in the 21st century.
Quote:'Ophelia, Ophelia...'
the wild bird taunting cries.
Overall - I like the premise - the metaphor is dark and presented in an interesting fashion. I think there are some craft issues to clean up as well, perhaps as some choices but it is an interesting piece.
Thanks for posting