Yesterday, 03:24 PM
(Yesterday, 10:33 AM)sad_bunny Wrote: This time I believed it could be realityHi bunny, I like a few things about this poem.
This time I didn’t care about morality
Maybe that should’ve been the sign
That you’re just an illusion I created in my mind
But your actions and your words are real
And they cut deep
Not deeper than my growing feelings for you
But that’s something you should never know
Because it makes me weak
And all I’d like to do is wake up and leave
But how could I when I am trapped inside a world
That was never mine
And yet you made me believe it could become my reality
And so I trusted you blindly
I became a part of your story
I rehearsed your lines with you
And you made me think that it was more than just a script of my imagination
Then again maybe it’s all my fault for trusting your good intentions
First, it makes sense when you read it line to line. There are no hanging sentences, no random jumble of things said that don’t cohere.
You have also thrown in the occasional rhyme here and there to help move the narrative along.
One suggestion would be to cut down on the repetitions of “I”, “my”, and “you”. To use a broader vocabulary.
Well done

