Love, After

[wasellajam]

woohoo, something to work on! Thank you all for taking the time to read and critique.

I get the idea and it holds together, except I don't understand "hand over glass".

Thanks for chiming in, that phrase seems to be an issue, I'll rethink it.

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Love, After

Thirty years of clutching
the wheel through blizzards not convinced by the edgy line break here, feels tryhard and pushy
and black ice skids.  these sound like natural disasters unrelated to any human frailty, interesting

Twenty years of habitual don't understand how to read this adverb as anything but superfluous
designated driving,
hand over glass.    i guess "hand over glass" is a gesture meaning "no more, thanks" - but shouldn't the DD simply not drink?

Upon further reflection I think S2 really hurts the poem, it pigeonholes my reading and really doesn't do anything more than say, "this is all about alcoholism"

Today, yesterday, tomorrow  mmmm idk- kinda melodramatic, feels amateurish
I automatically aim
for the passenger door,   have tried but can't parse this - what are you gonna do, jump out a moving car?
sink into music I haven’t chosen
and read.  it feels vaguely "resigned to this" vibes, not sure what else to make of it

Impulse/occasion is worthy 
conceit (30 years/20/today) holds up well enough
a pretty good draft

I think the final gesture is too opaque as written. And there is some narrative confusion sapping the impact throughout. The title is distastefully summative and directive; I think this happens because the poem kinda knows itself to be a bit vague, so compensates by asking its title to hold up the world. There is a good "tell it slant" ethos at work here, but the work in the individual stanzas could be more precisely evocative to support that project.

Most importantly I feel I am playing poem riddle. The plot is too vague; somehow the poem seems very linear but also unclear in frustrating ways. The final gesture feels pregnant but also just kinda unclear.

Hi, mat, thank for the thorough critique! On S1, I'm curious about what breaks you think would work better.

Thirty years of clutching the wheel
through blizzards and black ice skids

seems the only other alternative and wheel seems meaningless to me. Any other suggestions without a full rewrite?

Just as an aside, the average DD can have a short wine with dinner without issue. I'll think about your view of S2.

S3 I was talking about getting into the car, not jumping out. But that doesn't negate the issues.

On the whole I was aiming for absolute clarity on the surface with something to think about underneath, so fail there if it reads as a riddle to you, I'll see what I can do.

Your time and perspective is appreciated.

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Love, After

Thirty years of clutching …. I like how the “thirty” follows from the “after”
the wheel through blizzards
and black ice skids. … nice. I’ve no personal experience of driving through a blizzard, but I get it 

Twenty years of habitual … the “twenty” also follows from the title 
designated driving,
hand over glass. …. The hand over glass as universal sign of “I’m not drinking” works for me 

Today, yesterday, tomorrow … the connection with the title breaks down. Would’ve been nice to follow the pattern. “Love, after yesterday when I aimed…”
I automatically aim …. “Automatically aim” is quite prosaic 
for the passenger door,
sink into music I haven’t chosen
and read. … I couldn’t make out at first if the “read” was past tense. I can’t quite make out what’s going on here. The act of sitting in the passenger seat and reading is not “automatic”, though aiming for it might be. So either the “automatically aim” or the last bit needs to go

Lots of potential in this one
Thanks for posting

Thanks, busker, the most issue seems to be S3. I'll rethink L1 and Automatically. I didn't even notice the tense issue with read, maybe scroll. Thanks for the support for an edit.