9 hours ago
Hey msf,
Where's the envoi? I know this was intended more as an exercise, so I'll bear that in mind throughout my feedback.
The sestina reads strained. Some have suggested to try writing in meter or somewhat in meter or maybe picking word refrains that rhyme, I guess for some sense of cohesion, but I know you didn't have the liberty to make the latter decision. What I find helpful for me is writing the envoi first, then starting at the beginning of the sestina.
Where's the envoi? I know this was intended more as an exercise, so I'll bear that in mind throughout my feedback.
The sestina reads strained. Some have suggested to try writing in meter or somewhat in meter or maybe picking word refrains that rhyme, I guess for some sense of cohesion, but I know you didn't have the liberty to make the latter decision. What I find helpful for me is writing the envoi first, then starting at the beginning of the sestina.
(10-12-2026, 02:19 PM)matsunosuperfan Wrote: Touchdown!Appreciate the attempt. I should try to do more writing exercises. Off to comment on CRNDLSM's piece now : P
I like it when I’m full
of cheese.
It’s great,
okay?
I mean that's four
whole lines exclusively on cheese! Imagine! When Ehhh it's a couple short sentences dedicated to cheese and its greatness, broken up into four lines bc sestina. it's not saying much beyond that it's "great"
good ol’ suicidal Charlie Brown decreed, “When nitpick, the quote reads more like a plea than a decree
will we full
-hearted pilgrims go for
one more spin around the cheese
wheel in the sky? O Great
Pumpkin, Father Gouda—is it not okay Pumpkin? Is that a type of pumpkin looking cheese I dont know about?
to ever ask for more?” Okay,
not his words exactly, but when I like this playing with the word "when" throughout the poem, obviously calling to mind waiters asking guests to say when to stop grating their cheese
is never soon enough? I say grate
two pounds of parmesan, then tell the chef “I’m full. I'm not sure why this is repeated when it could be written as "I'm full/of aged Italians." The line break would delay the punchline
I’m full of aged Italians.” See what happens. Cheese
of course is excellent four
little harpooned morsels at a time, just before
swallowing, make sure the toothpick’s out, ok? hmm toothpick. makes me think of game day hors d'oeuvres. that's all i got on bridging the connection between the topic of cheese and football in this piece
To die of cocktail cheese
would be beneath you—when
you up and croak—look, the cemetery here’s been full
since 1988. I wouldn’t call that great,
I’d call it great I don't think this deserves to be hyphenated. You have other word refrains varying in similar ways already---not sure what makes this the exception. It shows the architecture of the sestina too much imo, and there isnt even an envoi!
-ly problematic. In 1984
my mother tied me to this bobbing rock, fully
aware I couldn’t swim. Okay,
I didn’t die—since when
does missing mean you didn’t try to cheese
someone? Say cheese
to Mr. Scythe, say cheese to “This feels great,
I always hated breathing,” don’t say when
if you don’t really mean it yet. Four
more years of reaching for that football: okay
Lucy, you relentless cunt. Bring it on. Lay it on me fully.