Sketches of Pampánga

[matsunosuperfan]

Sketches of Pampánga


I beam at the sight     "I beam" doesn't work for me, who describes themselves like that?
of black Aráyat rising
amidst golden fields.  "amidst" distracts me every time, line is difficult to say aloud

When the river swells,
frogs dance in muddy water   don't frogs do this all the time?
or their legs in oil.    clever move, but execution could be improved

Pinatúbo's wrath
levelled cherished homes where now  wrath doesn't level anything. This stanza feels overcooked
the taláhib blooms.    Using blooms for grass is a strong choice. As an outsider, having to stop and look this up really took me out of the poem. 

With Christmas come lamps    such a weak line! And right when we need the opposite!
coiled into colorful wheels,        cool sound but idk what to picture, again as an outsider - how do you coil a lamp?
distracting drivers.                      so deflatory, but of what? I was almost pissed that the poem ends so meekly

Pretty good movement, and with the exception of the notably flat last stanza, the haiku cohere. Whether this is a thing that should be done with haiku is another question. I think it's a compelling effect.

Find the strict adherence to 5-7-5 distracting however. This makes me think of people who just found out about haiku, which I know does not describe the author. 

The muddy water/oil zeugma is not working. It's very clunky and so fails to shiver. And it screams "look, I did a thing" as a further result of that awkwardness. 

I feel like there is a cool tension here between narrative and anti-narrative that could maybe be explored even more intently. I also feel there's pregnant meaning coming from cultural references that are missing me. Not sure how much of that is my fault or the poem's so I leave it to the poet to decide