Sketches of Pampánga, v2

[matsunosuperfan]

Thanks for the feedback. Bit looser with the syllable counts now.

Massive improvements, bravo

maybe,

their legs in spattered oil

or else their legs in oil

something to avoid landing on "or their" which now hits too arrythmic compared to the smoothness of the rest

just a really beautiful impressionistic rhythm and sensibility to these gestures now, great work

ship this someone will publish it

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I keep reading it, it's really good

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you can make whole little poems just by elision now

Egrets cut across
When the river swells
Now taláhib blooms
With Christmas
Come lanterns