Never There - edit2

[wasellajam]

Hi, duke, some beautiful language and images here. I'm not up on previous crit, some notes:

Never There


Immersed in high-res AI video
outside irrelevancies fade
The opening has gone from blunt to blunter, it explains the title. I'm wondering if the title, or a tweak to it, could do this job. If you keep this LI you might drop High-res, AI or video, it just seems too long.
leaving only a driftwood cabin
by a sunny sea somewhere–
no storms, a little evening fog
and black nights crowded with
cool stars too far away to bother.
Driftwood cabin is interesting, I can see AI putting it together a little wonky. I love:

"a little evening fog
and black nights crowded with
cool stars too far away to bother".

Only endless dunes unmarked
white sand on which to draw
with a found crab claw
bare feet finding firmness
made up of all those grains
which will obligingly erase
each verse committed to them.
I like this whole strophe. I'm not sure about the change to dunes, they are not the part of the beach you can write on. The double "only" might justify both, not quite sure on that.

And inside, desiccated
by salt wind, no book of psalms
or numbers, three-view plans
of objects with dimensions grown
irrelevant from long disuse
right-angles absent, pages merged
with fading ink and brushing fingertips.
Strong again. Maybe something more descriptive than "And inside". I like "right angles absent", after that it's a little murky, ossibly something other than brushing, I can't get it.

But now no key-string words produce
that soft-addictive, cool-seductive place
of surface vision, shores of no return
and whispered peace.  It was
a sample.
You might take another swing at the ending, I like "no key-string" but I miss the original so some crit there:

Too much, it would take entirely I'd prefer a period after "too much" but love these three line..
more absence than my breath
could stand to give up all
these hated complications loved Something other than "hated complications".
for regulation, knowing next
name called, address more real
than whispered sand and peace.

original version;


What would it take to drain
all complexity from life
leaving only a driftwood cabin
by a sunny sea somewhere–
no storms, a little evening fog
and black nights crowded with
cool stars too far away to bother?

No phone, no keyboard, only screen
white sand on which to draw
with a found crab claw
bare feet finding compactness
made up of all those grains
which will obligingly erase
each verse committed to them.

And in the cabin desiccated
by salt wind, no book of psalms
or numbers, three-view plans
of objects with dimensions grown
irrelevant with long disuse
right-angles absent, pages merged
with fading ink and brushing fingertips.

Too much, it would take entirely
more absence than my breath
could stand to give up all
these hated complications loved
for regulation, knowing next
name called, address more real
than whispered sand and peace.

Inspired by an AI video

Thanks for the read, lots to like here.