4 hours ago
As a riddle: nicely done.
As a poem: I hope you continue with this rather than being discouraged all the negative comments. It sounds like you will, because obviously a lot of work has gone into it. I'm going to have to read it several times more carefully, but I can see already that I love the alliteration, the feel of it in the mouth, and there are several lines that I'll be flagging as favorites:
> that better partake of this material world
> to comprehend both how its vessel falls apart and how the surrounding tempest beats and batters
> spittle sweetened with supernatural nectar
> the field of green specked red or blue specked gold
> tongues beyond the merely hopeless
There are a few places where the diction becomes jarringly more prosaic,
'open marketplace', 'their presidents', 'assembly that pledges to welcome all'.
'Only so fast...' feels like it's running on for one example too many.
> purse their lips and kiss, by one way or the other spittle sweetened with supernatural nectar being exchanged
'being exchanged' is redundant.
Take these comments for what they're worth, which is to say the opinions of a novice.
As a poem: I hope you continue with this rather than being discouraged all the negative comments. It sounds like you will, because obviously a lot of work has gone into it. I'm going to have to read it several times more carefully, but I can see already that I love the alliteration, the feel of it in the mouth, and there are several lines that I'll be flagging as favorites:
> that better partake of this material world
> to comprehend both how its vessel falls apart and how the surrounding tempest beats and batters
> spittle sweetened with supernatural nectar
> the field of green specked red or blue specked gold
> tongues beyond the merely hopeless
There are a few places where the diction becomes jarringly more prosaic,
'open marketplace', 'their presidents', 'assembly that pledges to welcome all'.
'Only so fast...' feels like it's running on for one example too many.
> purse their lips and kiss, by one way or the other spittle sweetened with supernatural nectar being exchanged
'being exchanged' is redundant.
Take these comments for what they're worth, which is to say the opinions of a novice.