5 hours ago
(11 hours ago)robdaley Wrote: Otosan was a mean sodI really like this overall. The voice and occasion are super strong.
beat me with a hanbo. - great opening, super strong voice + nice consonance and assonance
I poke his ghost-white ashes - nice quick scene-setting, though "ghost-white" isn't very interesting.
as if clearing a hearth. - does nothing for me as a simile - maybe too close to literal?
I pick up the femur. - not clear what this adds
The priest holds the urn out
like a bank robber
collecting the loot --
I fill it with ribs. - last four lines are great
The priest rests the urn
and with a hankachi - I understand the priest needs to not see the pocketing, but "with a hankachi" is both flat and a bit weeaboo-ish, since hankachi is just a loanword anyway.
wipes his face. I slip
the Buddha bone
into my pocket -- - nice! I disagree with busker - since you'd expect him to slip the buddha bone into the urn, the line breaks make the surprise work
Otosan will not have
a peaceful passage. - these two lines are very flat, I guess they help if the reader doesn't understand the significance of the buddha bone bit, but they feel like overexplaining to me.
The jawbone, the last
of him, I hold up
to my face. Pivot it.
I borrow his voice
make him say sorry. - I'm on the fence re: whether the son wanting his dad to just say sorry is nice pathos or incongruent with him pocketing the bone. T

