10-31-2026, 10:15 PM
(10-31-2026, 05:35 PM)hylas Wrote: A red, red rose can only growHi, Hylas, welcome to the Pen.
a bitter thorn from bitter dirt,
but my more digestive love
entices fortune's arrow-tips
to alchemise, with subtle art,
the sweeter fibre of her heart.
For me, starting off with the double red and the rose was a no-go. I can see the poem attempts to put a new spin on the cliche but that's a difficult task. "Digestive love" is odd but thought provoking, "fortune's arrow-tips to alchemise" is lovely. (my spell check wants alchemize.)
Ending on a rhyme amplifies the greeting card quality of the cliche for me.
Interested to see if any edits change my mind, I hope you enjoy the site.
Edit: Great title.
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Sig for newbs: How To Post An Edit
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Sig for myself: milo said: Once you think of something new, then you get the easy task of wording it in clever or interesting ways, using a bible's worth of poetic devices to make it richer - you know, the easy stuff. First step has to be the original thought though.
Sig for newbs: How To Post An Edit
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Sig for myself: milo said: Once you think of something new, then you get the easy task of wording it in clever or interesting ways, using a bible's worth of poetic devices to make it richer - you know, the easy stuff. First step has to be the original thought though.