7 hours ago
(Yesterday, 11:49 PM)robdaley Wrote: With the volume off, I watch pretty good hook, why are we watching with the volume off? Some dread already creeping in
the presenters bow their heads for me this wants another beat, maybe we could productively modify "presenters" or "heads"
like preening swans on the lake. this is a bit of a redundant gesture, as swans already suggests preening. I also resist what that word does to the tone. It's a very pushy word that strong arms me into feeling a specific way about the image.
They might be talking about crime provocative - maybe a bit facile, but provocative
the rise in obesity, or maybe
the price of steel. this run fails to elevate the sum of its parts, for me. I want a more surprising arc.
I wonder
if the news was on when this enjambment feels overcooked to me
the bomb fell? Whether
in those last splashless moments great sound with last/splashless - "moments" strikes me as comparatively weak diction
the calm was illusory hard to resist the urge to say "show don't tell" here
like the bleached shadows on the trees? especially when the final image does it so much better