06-04-2011, 05:34 AM
Excellent enjambment and clever use of sight/near rhymes bring this sonnet into the contemporary while still maintaining the overall "romantic" feel. You cover all the senses and S3 is particularly aesthetic.
I find S1 L4 a bit rushed and "sky-born" almost turns into two unstressed syllables following the strong and slightly longer sound of "dark" when you consider that there's a comma in that line also. The previous line ends with "under", a feminine rhyme, and I wonder if you might not be better of starting L4 with a trochee, even removing "a" and not worrying about syllables for the sake of feet?
I find S1 L4 a bit rushed and "sky-born" almost turns into two unstressed syllables following the strong and slightly longer sound of "dark" when you consider that there's a comma in that line also. The previous line ends with "under", a feminine rhyme, and I wonder if you might not be better of starting L4 with a trochee, even removing "a" and not worrying about syllables for the sake of feet?
It could be worse