06-08-2011, 11:32 AM
This is an intensely sad poem... the mixing of sex, misery, and violence was genuinely upsetting and painful, and you've used it to great effect. There was some powerful stuff here (imagining what a gun feels like, fantasizing about a stranger just to feel something).
As for the structure, I noticed some of the line breaks were a bit random (no logic, didn't improve the flow, etc). One thing you can do to improve this is to read your poem aloud... then you could hear where the line breaks and emphasis would more naturally be.
Another thing you could tweak with this is to lessen the use of things such as adjectives and other errant musings... sometimes they are crucial but other times you'll find they are superfluous and add little to the mood you are generating. As much as possible, keep it spare... you don't have to fatten up the word count
That said, with a little tweaking you have yourself a stand-out piece. As it is you've left this reader quite shaken (in a good way)
As for the structure, I noticed some of the line breaks were a bit random (no logic, didn't improve the flow, etc). One thing you can do to improve this is to read your poem aloud... then you could hear where the line breaks and emphasis would more naturally be.
Another thing you could tweak with this is to lessen the use of things such as adjectives and other errant musings... sometimes they are crucial but other times you'll find they are superfluous and add little to the mood you are generating. As much as possible, keep it spare... you don't have to fatten up the word count
That said, with a little tweaking you have yourself a stand-out piece. As it is you've left this reader quite shaken (in a good way)
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?