07-25-2011, 09:37 AM
interesting mood piece... you could glimpse a thread of narrative, but mostly you just give the reader fleeting impressions (i enjoyed the last two lines the most... imo they were the most effective). One suggestion I have is to change the word "riveted"... it's an adjective, doesn't really fit in with the other first words of your lines which are simple, self-evident, and sparse. Just imo 
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?