08-16-2011, 08:54 AM
I am the sort of bad critic who finds plenty to carp about, or cannot bring himself to say censorious-sounding things to someone I like. In my defence, I never have, and never will, use 'awesome' unless I see two moons circling the Earth, or just possibly, the merry Dancers (Northern/Southern Lights/ Aurora Borealis/Australis). With that brief caveat out of the way, and with an earnest wish to improve------
Perhaps these feelings do not arise with many people in our lives, but the hope that there will be understanding through the eyes, where otherwise, as brilliantly eloquent as we might normally be, language fails -- that is a universal thing, i hope. You say it is an old poem, and personal at that, so I doubt you will change a thing; I wouldn't. As an exercise, however, I would suggest that it could be tightened up, to make it more effective, and more impelling.
Are 'mere' words and 'plainly' see cliches? i think so, but even if not, they are prolix.
The third line is out of kilter with what goes before, and follows, which are iambic, and four feet. This one is half a foot short, and has turned into a trochee. Were you to change 'though' to 'although', it would jump back into line on both counts. For the same reasons, a change to 'a sharpness that..' would perform the same surgery. Then later, it would have to be something like :
'.........................................................................................................things
Which poets wrote throughout the Age'
Phew! I think I had better let some other bright soul finish off. I find 'I fear' a little trite-- but perhaps the emotion is so intense that fear really does enter. However, the remaining 'odd' line, the penultimate, could be fixed thus: 'see word unscribed I could not speak'
Of course you may have intended these changes in meter etc, and it is conceivable, just, that i am being crass!
Perhaps these feelings do not arise with many people in our lives, but the hope that there will be understanding through the eyes, where otherwise, as brilliantly eloquent as we might normally be, language fails -- that is a universal thing, i hope. You say it is an old poem, and personal at that, so I doubt you will change a thing; I wouldn't. As an exercise, however, I would suggest that it could be tightened up, to make it more effective, and more impelling.
Are 'mere' words and 'plainly' see cliches? i think so, but even if not, they are prolix.
The third line is out of kilter with what goes before, and follows, which are iambic, and four feet. This one is half a foot short, and has turned into a trochee. Were you to change 'though' to 'although', it would jump back into line on both counts. For the same reasons, a change to 'a sharpness that..' would perform the same surgery. Then later, it would have to be something like :
'.........................................................................................................things
Which poets wrote throughout the Age'
Phew! I think I had better let some other bright soul finish off. I find 'I fear' a little trite-- but perhaps the emotion is so intense that fear really does enter. However, the remaining 'odd' line, the penultimate, could be fixed thus: 'see word unscribed I could not speak'
Of course you may have intended these changes in meter etc, and it is conceivable, just, that i am being crass!