08-16-2011, 07:00 PM
(Revised)
Bespoken wheels
turn and churn
ground in its wake
Emboldened knight
emblazoned blood
as axles creak
A rut he rides
Day sinks
into a growing dim
cost of eternity
chasing the moon.
*I tried out a few suggestions here, I am sure it is not final but yes I can see how all of your suggestions can enhance a piece.
"A rut he rides" does not feel right.. or is it just me ?
---------------------------------------------------------
(original)
A wheel bespoke
to turn and churn
ground in its wake
The knight emboldened
emblazoned with blood
over the axles creak
in the rut he rode
The day sank
into a growing dim
the cost of eternity..
for chasing the moon.
Bespoken wheels
turn and churn
ground in its wake
Emboldened knight
emblazoned blood
as axles creak
A rut he rides
Day sinks
into a growing dim
cost of eternity
chasing the moon.
*I tried out a few suggestions here, I am sure it is not final but yes I can see how all of your suggestions can enhance a piece.
"A rut he rides" does not feel right.. or is it just me ?
---------------------------------------------------------
(original)
A wheel bespoke
to turn and churn
ground in its wake
The knight emboldened
emblazoned with blood
over the axles creak
in the rut he rode
The day sank
into a growing dim
the cost of eternity..
for chasing the moon.