08-17-2011, 04:50 AM
Hi, Good to see your poem!
Here are some comments for you:
The best lines in the poem for me are your final two.
the cost of eternity
for chasing the moon
That sounds so Don Quixote. It fits so well with the knight mentioned earlier. It's the pain of a hopeless quest. I don't think you need the two periods at the end of eternity. In fact you may not need any punctuation at all (you only have it on the last two lines anyway).
Things to think about:
The word bespoke: Is this the word you really want to use? It's usually associated with clothing.
You have some neat sonics (good sounds in the poem) turn and churn, emboldened and emblazoned.
day dim
I think the third strophe is your best one.
I may also suggest that you try paring the poem down and ask what are the most important words for reaching your point. You may choose to put things back but it's instructive to always ask yourself if this word or this line is necessary and how you could condense it without sacrificing tone or meaning.
Oh, and your line break on churn and how it plays off ground on the next line works very well.
So, a nice first post to the forum. If you would like any more detail on anything or have any questions please let me know. I hope some of this will be helpful to you.
Best,
Todd
Here are some comments for you:
The best lines in the poem for me are your final two.
the cost of eternity
for chasing the moon
That sounds so Don Quixote. It fits so well with the knight mentioned earlier. It's the pain of a hopeless quest. I don't think you need the two periods at the end of eternity. In fact you may not need any punctuation at all (you only have it on the last two lines anyway).
Things to think about:
The word bespoke: Is this the word you really want to use? It's usually associated with clothing.
You have some neat sonics (good sounds in the poem) turn and churn, emboldened and emblazoned.
day dim
I think the third strophe is your best one.
I may also suggest that you try paring the poem down and ask what are the most important words for reaching your point. You may choose to put things back but it's instructive to always ask yourself if this word or this line is necessary and how you could condense it without sacrificing tone or meaning.
Oh, and your line break on churn and how it plays off ground on the next line works very well.
So, a nice first post to the forum. If you would like any more detail on anything or have any questions please let me know. I hope some of this will be helpful to you.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson