08-18-2011, 05:50 AM
Hi,
There are things that feel better about the revision and things that I'm not sure work better (which is the nature of nearly every revision
).
S1:
The entire bespoke thing still feels a bit odd to my ear but it could just be me.
I like what you did with S2:
Emboldened knight
emblazoned blood
as axles creak
A rut he rides (on this line maybe "in ruts he rides")
S3: I really prefered
the cost of eternity
for chasing the moon
I think that for is crucial to the meaning. I could be wrong about that and while I do love to go as minimalist as possible sometimes I think the earlier version of those lines was stronger.
Revisions though are mostly about how you process the advice and begin working the poem so keep at it, it all eventually clicks.
Best,
Todd
There are things that feel better about the revision and things that I'm not sure work better (which is the nature of nearly every revision
).S1:
The entire bespoke thing still feels a bit odd to my ear but it could just be me.
I like what you did with S2:
Emboldened knight
emblazoned blood
as axles creak
A rut he rides (on this line maybe "in ruts he rides")
S3: I really prefered
the cost of eternity
for chasing the moon
I think that for is crucial to the meaning. I could be wrong about that and while I do love to go as minimalist as possible sometimes I think the earlier version of those lines was stronger.
Revisions though are mostly about how you process the advice and begin working the poem so keep at it, it all eventually clicks.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson