09-05-2011, 01:00 AM
Let me start by saying that this is my first post and that I am not even CLAIMING to be an authority. I love to write, but my knowledge of meter is non-existent. I will, therefore limit my comments to the wording.
The title jumped out at me. I couldn't wait to make my way down the list to read your poem. This piece feels so mysterious; the poem feels like its shrouded in fog. We are getting only a small piece of the story and yet, the reader is free to summon any number of backstories for this lone traveller.
I cringed at the use of 'emboldened' and 'emblazoned' back to back. I read a lot of high fantasy and it's possible that I am just burned out on these words. Mostly I just thought they were too similar and that is sounds contrived. (Like maybe you are trying to force the Medieval sounding language.)
You have a way with words, for sure. A suggestion, maybe you could say, 'the rut he rides.' It goes without saying that he is 'in' the rut because there is a wagon involved and NOT being in the rut is no option at all.
The last bit is my favorite. I love the language and the way you make this quest appear so noble despite the feeling that there is no triumph coming in the end. (or maybe I'm reading too much into it)
If there was a 'like' button, I'd click that sucker.
Quote:The Dark Rode
The title jumped out at me. I couldn't wait to make my way down the list to read your poem. This piece feels so mysterious; the poem feels like its shrouded in fog. We are getting only a small piece of the story and yet, the reader is free to summon any number of backstories for this lone traveller.
Quote:The knight emboldened
emblazoned with blood
I cringed at the use of 'emboldened' and 'emblazoned' back to back. I read a lot of high fantasy and it's possible that I am just burned out on these words. Mostly I just thought they were too similar and that is sounds contrived. (Like maybe you are trying to force the Medieval sounding language.)
Quote:over the axles creak
in the rut he rode
You have a way with words, for sure. A suggestion, maybe you could say, 'the rut he rides.' It goes without saying that he is 'in' the rut because there is a wagon involved and NOT being in the rut is no option at all.
Quote:the cost of eternity..
for chasing the moon.
The last bit is my favorite. I love the language and the way you make this quest appear so noble despite the feeling that there is no triumph coming in the end. (or maybe I'm reading too much into it)
If there was a 'like' button, I'd click that sucker.