09-07-2011, 12:56 PM
There are some lovely images here -- and you could leave it in prose form, or if you'd like, a little playing and you'd have a nice piece of freeverse.
Say, for example:
When the clouds are great, gray pillows
and the sky is deep and ominous,
life is powerful,
focused,
a dense blob
hiding itself, within itself.
The air is thick and poignant with
the lush smell of greens and browns. Warm,
wet gusts of wind fuel the shivers of the exposed.
Then the clouds open, allowing the sun
for a rare moment.
An iridescent specter arches overhead;
a wondrous play of refracted light appears.
The beings gaze from their perches and always
seem grateful.
I don't want to muck about with it too much, just showing you some other possibilities.
The main thing to remember about line breaks is that readers always pay the most attention to the first and last words in a line, same as the first and last lines in a poem. Use that to your advantage and you're set.
Say, for example:
When the clouds are great, gray pillows
and the sky is deep and ominous,
life is powerful,
focused,
a dense blob
hiding itself, within itself.
The air is thick and poignant with
the lush smell of greens and browns. Warm,
wet gusts of wind fuel the shivers of the exposed.
Then the clouds open, allowing the sun
for a rare moment.
An iridescent specter arches overhead;
a wondrous play of refracted light appears.
The beings gaze from their perches and always
seem grateful.
I don't want to muck about with it too much, just showing you some other possibilities.
The main thing to remember about line breaks is that readers always pay the most attention to the first and last words in a line, same as the first and last lines in a poem. Use that to your advantage and you're set.
It could be worse