Contrast

[Aish]

Thanks guys. Leanne, I like what you did, but I'm afraid I don't understand how you broke the parts up. It honestly seems arbitrary in places. My research is a little slow because I constantly get side-tracked, but I am trying to get this . . .

The line breaks appear rhythmically, so the piece has a natural flow. Try reading it aloud.
The original presentation is too rambling, even for prose. It looks like an excerpt from a short story. There is nothing wrong with short stories, but presentation (or lack thereof) turns readers off just as quickly as a boring opening strophe.