Contrast

[heslopian]

Your revision is elegantly constructed but uses a few too many adjectives. I think you should sit down and decide what the basic image or meaning you're trying to convey is, then express it in as simple a way as possible.
The full stop following "congealed" doesn't make grammatical sense. I think it belongs after "dense". I assume "congealed", "embedded" and "marble" are all meant to describe "sky". If not and the full stop is where it should be then you need to put a comma after dense.
My favourite lines:

*"misshapen pillows roaming constantly"

*"this synthesis of misty air"

These are brilliant and show a skill at forming original, elegant imagery which really affects the reader. On the whole the poem is very lyrical, and just needs a bit of time in the editing suite to be made perfect. For instance, do you need "arching" after "spectre"? Remember to show rather than tell. I also think "Lowly" should be written whole instead of being divided into its component syllables. As this poem doesn't follow any metre (that I'm aware of) such an odd technique is unecessary.
Thanks for the read AA