The Big November

[Todd]

Hi Rob,

When I looked at your title it made me think of private detective stories (i.e., The Big Sleep). The poem itself seems to be a snapshot in time capturing that one moment of infatuation. The backlit woman appearing to the observer as the only thing in motion. Here are some comments for you below

The Big November



When I draw my shades
the birds stop
the sky

The first line works. It may be more interesting though if you pulled up L2 to the end of L1. I have mixed thoughts on this. The line would be more interesting. You would however lose the slight beat that the line break gives you. That beat, might be necessary to give the sense of everything coming to a halt. I'm not a big fan of stop for a couple of reasons. Yes, it carries your s sounds forward, but If you read it without the breaks you are essentially saying: When I draw my shades the birds stop the sky

Perhaps, adding an "in" before the sky would help. I would recommend the "in", and maybe substitute stop with something more precise like hang.

the laughing children
the woman in the sun dress
backlit
a walking hymn

I want to see commas here. I think the lack of punctuation confuses the reading. Going with how you have it. I think you may want a strophe break before the woman line to set it off (she's the point of it). Another way you could approach these lines (not sure if I like this more just posting another option):

the backlit woman in the sun
dress: a walking hymn

Or possibly,

The woman backlit
in the sun dress
a walking hymn

I like the walking hymn part a lot. I don't think though that backlit does enough to justify its placement alone.

but I can’t see her limbs
grow away
or the butterflies

fall.

While I had issues with backlit, I have none with fall. I love the strophe break after butterflies. I absolutely love the last two lines. I'm not sure I like "grow away". It could just be me Rob, but it sounds like strange phrasing.

There's a lot that I like here. I hope some of these comments will be helpful to you.

Best,

Todd