Peace

[Philatone]

hey there! just want to give my thoughts. please take what you will.

Sound ceased.
Movement stilled. ..I wanted more from this line. I understand its desire to be general, but I did want to know what kind of movement. Something like "clouds stilled", that matches the natural imagery you have in the rest of the poem
The air filled
with exhaled sighs..OK!
and unbelieving, ..not sure if you need this line. "unbelieving cries?" I am skeptical
incomprehensible
cries
from the living.
The dead make no replies.
Avoiding the eyes
of each corpse
the ground patiently waits. ...great!
Earth to earth
and dust to dust.
Humanity survives
but only just. ..I played with switching the couplets, i.e. "humanity survives/ but only just. earth to earth/ and dust to dust". doing this would link the corpses from several lines prior to humanity in a much shorter span of time. i think it also puts more emphasis on the twist with the saying. just my thoughts of course!




This poem is about 10 years old...and one of the first I ever wrote which didn't stick to an exact rhyme and metre. I read Leanne's Rondeau and the subject brought back memories of this (which made me search it out)

hope this finds you well!