11-29-2011, 04:52 AM
Still a nice bit of rhyme in the last lines 
-- and that ties it up very neatly.
I'm tempted to agree with ol' Touchy on the removal of "and" in L3, but I agree with you that it's not a sentence without a verb! So, my suggestion is simply to put a comma at the end of L2 and make it a bit of a list.
On reflection, I wonder if you really need the second line at all. It seems a little overly bitter, and the mottling is mentioned in the close anyway... but entirely your call, obviously.
I do love the metaphor, it's very well developed and has many layers.
And to TS -- the thoughts of a layman are often the most valuable. As evidenced by the proliferation of poetry sites, "poets" are easy to come by -- readers, far less so.
-- and that ties it up very neatly.I'm tempted to agree with ol' Touchy on the removal of "and" in L3, but I agree with you that it's not a sentence without a verb! So, my suggestion is simply to put a comma at the end of L2 and make it a bit of a list.
On reflection, I wonder if you really need the second line at all. It seems a little overly bitter, and the mottling is mentioned in the close anyway... but entirely your call, obviously.
I do love the metaphor, it's very well developed and has many layers.
And to TS -- the thoughts of a layman are often the most valuable. As evidenced by the proliferation of poetry sites, "poets" are easy to come by -- readers, far less so.
It could be worse