11-29-2011, 04:34 PM
Do you mean like this?
A creased manuscript, yellowed and grey
discarded like a Sunday afternoon newspaper,
mottled and moled
getting old - my skin.
........it doesn't work, Mark, - the manuscript (obviously) is my face...the next bit is a description of what it looks like, yellow, grey, creased, mottled and moled.
But, it is interesting to speak of 'telly' in the last line....since that is me (not a very good poet!) explaining what I am on about, to you, the reader. This is exactly what I am trying to fight against....my compulsion to dot all the i's and cross all the t's. But, I will have to work harder on creating something which leaves you something to do.
Thank you for your input.
A creased manuscript, yellowed and grey
discarded like a Sunday afternoon newspaper,
mottled and moled
getting old - my skin.
........it doesn't work, Mark, - the manuscript (obviously) is my face...the next bit is a description of what it looks like, yellow, grey, creased, mottled and moled.
But, it is interesting to speak of 'telly' in the last line....since that is me (not a very good poet!) explaining what I am on about, to you, the reader. This is exactly what I am trying to fight against....my compulsion to dot all the i's and cross all the t's. But, I will have to work harder on creating something which leaves you something to do.
Thank you for your input.
(11-29-2011, 09:47 AM)Leanne Wrote: I think it works without that line, are you happy with it though?No, I'm not happy with it because it is lacking in anything worth knowing, it has no layers for you to explore and it contains no spark...but, apart from that, it's fine!