12-04-2011, 07:11 PM
I thought the ampersands were a bit distracting, not enough to do any damage though.
I have only one quibble and it may be you did this deliberately to make us pause....
trees & sky & sex, worn roses as spec-
tacles. studied grecian art & loved
no problem with enjambment (I thought it clever and I like the echoing rhyme it achieved) no, my reading of 'worn roses' was the problem.....I read it as 'worn' as in 'second-hand/threadbare' as it seemed part of the previous listed things - so got a hiccup when it turned out to be 'worn' as in past tense of 'wear'...or were you being super-duper and getting both meanings in one?
On further reading I wonder if the order of the first lines need some attention...the trees bit interrupts the continuation of the flowers
'wandering'....(not sure of this word, too...as flowers are stationary)...I wonder if 'flowing' would be better, since viewed on a windy day flowers do appear to ripple?
I have only one quibble and it may be you did this deliberately to make us pause....
trees & sky & sex, worn roses as spec-
tacles. studied grecian art & loved
no problem with enjambment (I thought it clever and I like the echoing rhyme it achieved) no, my reading of 'worn roses' was the problem.....I read it as 'worn' as in 'second-hand/threadbare' as it seemed part of the previous listed things - so got a hiccup when it turned out to be 'worn' as in past tense of 'wear'...or were you being super-duper and getting both meanings in one?
On further reading I wonder if the order of the first lines need some attention...the trees bit interrupts the continuation of the flowers
'wandering'....(not sure of this word, too...as flowers are stationary)...I wonder if 'flowing' would be better, since viewed on a windy day flowers do appear to ripple?