12-18-2011, 02:54 PM
GrannyJIll,
I like this poem, it has some nice evocative images, but I think you could work on the cadence, and bring it emotionally closer to the reader by making it more personal. The following isn't a suggestion, just an example of what I mean.
Her cheek is pressed against the cold window-pane
condensing into a mask of misery – "pity me".
The image would not be a reflection if her face is pressed against the glass. Window pane is glass. I think it is implied that her cheek would be cold if it is pressed up against a cold glass. Maybe you did mean to focus on the reflection, but you need a transition statement to show she has moved her face away from the glass. However, I think it will be very difficult working with a duel image of what has condensed on the glass, along with a reflected image. I only make a point of this because I use to do this sort of thing all the time and it caused me no end of trouble. I've worked long enough at this sort of thing that I can handle it grammatically, but unless I have a very compelling reason I generally stay away from it. It places too much of a demand on the reader and generally tends to be disruptive to the poem. As someone said this is not really a novice poem, and I don't know how to write a novice critique that is also helpful at the same time, which is my intent.
Dale
I like this poem, it has some nice evocative images, but I think you could work on the cadence, and bring it emotionally closer to the reader by making it more personal. The following isn't a suggestion, just an example of what I mean.
Her cheek is pressed against the cold window-pane
condensing into a mask of misery – "pity me".
The image would not be a reflection if her face is pressed against the glass. Window pane is glass. I think it is implied that her cheek would be cold if it is pressed up against a cold glass. Maybe you did mean to focus on the reflection, but you need a transition statement to show she has moved her face away from the glass. However, I think it will be very difficult working with a duel image of what has condensed on the glass, along with a reflected image. I only make a point of this because I use to do this sort of thing all the time and it caused me no end of trouble. I've worked long enough at this sort of thing that I can handle it grammatically, but unless I have a very compelling reason I generally stay away from it. It places too much of a demand on the reader and generally tends to be disruptive to the poem. As someone said this is not really a novice poem, and I don't know how to write a novice critique that is also helpful at the same time, which is my intent.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.