12-25-2011, 06:14 PM
GJ,
Thanks for the critique. As both you and RBL pointed out in the "walk by line", that was a typo. It was suppose to be "when she walked in his way." But I see that creates a tense problem and,
"when she'd walk in his way." reads much better. So thanks, I think I will go with that one. The reason it had the typo in it to begin with was because I changed it so many times.
In terms of double line. It was actually about twice this long, but I felt the half I cut was not genuine, and more manufactured. So after I cut that, it looked rather short, and I didn't want to shorten it further by having a longer line, plus I am not a big fan of rhyming couplets. In addition you cannot have it all the way through without hurting the poem.
Gams---> legs. It was a term often used in "hard boiled dick novels" ( Hard boiled detective)
--from dictionary.com
Gam
noun Slang. a person's leg, especially an attractive female leg.
Origin:
1775–85; probably < Polari < Italian gamba leg
"She looked so alluringly helpless with her beautiful long stemmed gams pinioned under the coach, it made my pants look like a tent revival of backwoods Baptist zealots had moved in and set up shop with a good looking faith healer as the front man. I needed to find something cold, something beyond merely frigid to make the swelling go down fast; before I was being carted off to the slammer for holding my peace in public. I needed something that would drop the mainmast like a blackjack to the back of the head. That's when I met her, and what a beautiful dame had caused to rise, she made fall in half the time. As long as the frost maiden was around I was in no danger of being carted off to the poky. All hard angles and cutting edges, with eyes that looked like they had been machined out of transparent titanium, glinting like they had be polished for a thousand years. Those ice blue eyes never seemed to blink, giving her a reptilian look: a primitive, prehistoric predator. She was unmoving as frozen time until she acted. When she did, she moved so fast it seemed like you weren't seeing a fluid event, but rather the sputtering images of movie film missing the ratchet in the projector wheel. When she walked into the room, it was as though someone had taken your Johnson and place it on a small Guillotine, waiting only for her to decide to pull the lever. In other words, she was most effective in striking a tent in less time than it takes to draw in one of those quick breaths that signal that your heart has just started beating again. I figure I'd be making a few extra trips to the hardware store as I wouldn't have any wood of my own for quite some time. Oh well, with my ugly mug, and terrible luck, not to mention my wonderfully abrasive personality, it wasn't as though I'd be driving the fairway anytime soon!"
"I reckon you need a (
or a (-) after 'it'd play out like this'" Yeah, that's a punctuation error. Thanks for catching that. Yeah either a colon or semi-colon. I'm thinking colon.
"She'd fight till the death (forget the 'you')" My thought exactly.
RBL
"Perhaps the 'in' is not necessary in that phrase? Perhaps 'she could make a man hurt when she'd walk his way" may be more powerful."
Yeah as noted above this line gave me problems. I had meant to write "walked in a man's way". Something akin to a black crossing your path. As this is written in two foot lines of accentual verse, there is not much leeway to get across what I meant. As noted above I think "when she'd walk in his way." is the best way to go, although it is not entirely satisfying.
"felt like an essence was captured. Captured. The first line I loved - what an image." Yeah, that was what this was sort of built around. I was laying in bed when that just sort of floated in. I almost laid there long enough to forget it. Unfortunately there were some other nice lines that went with with it that I did lose.
Thanks for the feedback guys,
MC (merry Christmas)
Dale
Thanks for the critique. As both you and RBL pointed out in the "walk by line", that was a typo. It was suppose to be "when she walked in his way." But I see that creates a tense problem and,
"when she'd walk in his way." reads much better. So thanks, I think I will go with that one. The reason it had the typo in it to begin with was because I changed it so many times.
In terms of double line. It was actually about twice this long, but I felt the half I cut was not genuine, and more manufactured. So after I cut that, it looked rather short, and I didn't want to shorten it further by having a longer line, plus I am not a big fan of rhyming couplets. In addition you cannot have it all the way through without hurting the poem.
Gams---> legs. It was a term often used in "hard boiled dick novels" ( Hard boiled detective)
--from dictionary.com
Gam
noun Slang. a person's leg, especially an attractive female leg.
Origin:
1775–85; probably < Polari < Italian gamba leg
"She looked so alluringly helpless with her beautiful long stemmed gams pinioned under the coach, it made my pants look like a tent revival of backwoods Baptist zealots had moved in and set up shop with a good looking faith healer as the front man. I needed to find something cold, something beyond merely frigid to make the swelling go down fast; before I was being carted off to the slammer for holding my peace in public. I needed something that would drop the mainmast like a blackjack to the back of the head. That's when I met her, and what a beautiful dame had caused to rise, she made fall in half the time. As long as the frost maiden was around I was in no danger of being carted off to the poky. All hard angles and cutting edges, with eyes that looked like they had been machined out of transparent titanium, glinting like they had be polished for a thousand years. Those ice blue eyes never seemed to blink, giving her a reptilian look: a primitive, prehistoric predator. She was unmoving as frozen time until she acted. When she did, she moved so fast it seemed like you weren't seeing a fluid event, but rather the sputtering images of movie film missing the ratchet in the projector wheel. When she walked into the room, it was as though someone had taken your Johnson and place it on a small Guillotine, waiting only for her to decide to pull the lever. In other words, she was most effective in striking a tent in less time than it takes to draw in one of those quick breaths that signal that your heart has just started beating again. I figure I'd be making a few extra trips to the hardware store as I wouldn't have any wood of my own for quite some time. Oh well, with my ugly mug, and terrible luck, not to mention my wonderfully abrasive personality, it wasn't as though I'd be driving the fairway anytime soon!"
"I reckon you need a (
or a (-) after 'it'd play out like this'" Yeah, that's a punctuation error. Thanks for catching that. Yeah either a colon or semi-colon. I'm thinking colon."She'd fight till the death (forget the 'you')" My thought exactly.
RBL
"Perhaps the 'in' is not necessary in that phrase? Perhaps 'she could make a man hurt when she'd walk his way" may be more powerful."
Yeah as noted above this line gave me problems. I had meant to write "walked in a man's way". Something akin to a black crossing your path. As this is written in two foot lines of accentual verse, there is not much leeway to get across what I meant. As noted above I think "when she'd walk in his way." is the best way to go, although it is not entirely satisfying.
"felt like an essence was captured. Captured. The first line I loved - what an image." Yeah, that was what this was sort of built around. I was laying in bed when that just sort of floated in. I almost laid there long enough to forget it. Unfortunately there were some other nice lines that went with with it that I did lose.
Thanks for the feedback guys,
MC (merry Christmas)
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.