03-19-2012, 08:35 AM
This work is going nowhere in this format
When I read any work in first person as the narrator of a piece
I tend to steel myself away from the whining that most
often is produced.
Maybe it’s because we are just meeting
saying Hi! “How are you” polite like! Because that is what happens when
you the poet and me the reader come together, strangers meeting on the street.
and it begins “Hi how are you? ( I’m reading you)
“it’s my leg”’ or my back is killing me. “I’m all alone and unloved!! Wahhh! “
Much better if you’re the third person
being engaged as a bard for the next few moments while both
poet and reader engage we gossip .
“tell me the story of them” I say
But why in all that’s bubbling would you bring in a bullet simile ?
“ I want to kill that bitch imagery” comes to mind . I hate that simile intensely,
all the same, the trunk!!!, I only now figured it out as the boot of the car
not your travelling truck.. See it’s better to make plain and not rely
on the reader doing your thought prossess for you. Write the thing I say
it makes the poet more proficient at crafting.
And the last two lines made this hardened old reader want to gag. Re draft it in third person, be the N
it will give you a 2nd poem anyway and it can’t kill you outright can it?
but this busting headache might yet kill me today! Ouch!
When I read any work in first person as the narrator of a piece
I tend to steel myself away from the whining that most
often is produced.
Maybe it’s because we are just meeting
saying Hi! “How are you” polite like! Because that is what happens when
you the poet and me the reader come together, strangers meeting on the street.
and it begins “Hi how are you? ( I’m reading you)
“it’s my leg”’ or my back is killing me. “I’m all alone and unloved!! Wahhh! “
Much better if you’re the third person
being engaged as a bard for the next few moments while both
poet and reader engage we gossip .
“tell me the story of them” I say
But why in all that’s bubbling would you bring in a bullet simile ?
“ I want to kill that bitch imagery” comes to mind . I hate that simile intensely,
all the same, the trunk!!!, I only now figured it out as the boot of the car
not your travelling truck.. See it’s better to make plain and not rely
on the reader doing your thought prossess for you. Write the thing I say
it makes the poet more proficient at crafting.
And the last two lines made this hardened old reader want to gag. Re draft it in third person, be the N
it will give you a 2nd poem anyway and it can’t kill you outright can it?
but this busting headache might yet kill me today! Ouch!
Perfection changes with the light and light goes on for infinity ~~~Bronte