03-19-2012, 09:12 AM
Geoff,
Yeah, I have to agree with the babe above
You seem more invested in being poetic and clever than telling the story in a way that makes much sense.
See this line
"The revolving door
folded you into the lobby."
while nice is gratuitous because it is not attached to anything in the story, and does not come about naturally. It says, "Oh look, I have a clever way to describe something!" Plus, it really makes no sense. Maybe "ejects you into the lobby", by why only them? What does that have to do with the story.
Sorry Geoff, but the way this reads to me is as a number of clever metaphor's loosely strung together trying to give the impression that there is a story here somewhere...except I can't find the story.
Dale
Yeah, I have to agree with the babe above
You seem more invested in being poetic and clever than telling the story in a way that makes much sense.
See this line
"The revolving door
folded you into the lobby."
while nice is gratuitous because it is not attached to anything in the story, and does not come about naturally. It says, "Oh look, I have a clever way to describe something!" Plus, it really makes no sense. Maybe "ejects you into the lobby", by why only them? What does that have to do with the story.
Sorry Geoff, but the way this reads to me is as a number of clever metaphor's loosely strung together trying to give the impression that there is a story here somewhere...except I can't find the story.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.