03-20-2012, 01:40 PM
Geoff,
This is better. It has more substance. I think it is either twice too long, or not half as long as it needs to be.
I think you cheat yourself out of the emotional impact by adding to much extraneous stuff, and by creating confusion in terms of point of view: who is where and when?
The long would include more detail about what is happening, the short would be limited to these points. I wrote it out so I could be clear on what was what, I don't offer this as an example of how it should be (in fact the ending still eludes me), just what points seem important and by inference which are not.
Dale
--------------------------------------------------
In your small hand a ticket.
The boarding pass that
bears our last name above the couplet—
To and From:
words that part
or bring together,
the same way an airport
can fill or empty a back seat.
Ticket: those six letters
let you fly away alone.
This is your first time.
You will sit next to a sleeping mother
with her son beside her:
whispering lyrics.
To your left, an aisle filled
in Queens departing in Texas.
It takes only twenty steps
to reach that door
—1,500 miles away—
the door, just passed the checkpoint
where, glancing back,
you walk out of view.
This is better. It has more substance. I think it is either twice too long, or not half as long as it needs to be.
I think you cheat yourself out of the emotional impact by adding to much extraneous stuff, and by creating confusion in terms of point of view: who is where and when?
The long would include more detail about what is happening, the short would be limited to these points. I wrote it out so I could be clear on what was what, I don't offer this as an example of how it should be (in fact the ending still eludes me), just what points seem important and by inference which are not.
Dale
--------------------------------------------------
In your small hand a ticket.
The boarding pass that
bears our last name above the couplet—
To and From:
words that part
or bring together,
the same way an airport
can fill or empty a back seat.
Ticket: those six letters
let you fly away alone.
This is your first time.
You will sit next to a sleeping mother
with her son beside her:
whispering lyrics.
To your left, an aisle filled
in Queens departing in Texas.
It takes only twenty steps
to reach that door
—1,500 miles away—
the door, just passed the checkpoint
where, glancing back,
you walk out of view.
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.