04-30-2012, 01:28 AM
Overall I like this, especially the two lines
"The indignity of hate feels less now,
less than the indignity of love."
and of course
"the paradox
of one glass shoe."
However, and it may be my own perversity but "prick" and "lips" should never be paired unless the intent is to convey an allusion to oral sex. Plus, I think these days "prick" is at best problematic in the same vein as is "gay". Both are just to connotativly heavy in terms of the sexual aspect of their meaning.
I'm also somewhat puzzled with the phrase "praying to the floors", maybe you mean "praying at the floor". One may have prayed while scrubbing the floor, but I don't believe they were actually praying to the floor, so for me it creates some amount of disruption in the reading as I have to stop and ponder what that is suppose to mean.
Regardless, this is a nice twist on a couple of standard fairy tales.
Dale
"The indignity of hate feels less now,
less than the indignity of love."
and of course
"the paradox
of one glass shoe."
However, and it may be my own perversity but "prick" and "lips" should never be paired unless the intent is to convey an allusion to oral sex. Plus, I think these days "prick" is at best problematic in the same vein as is "gay". Both are just to connotativly heavy in terms of the sexual aspect of their meaning.
I'm also somewhat puzzled with the phrase "praying to the floors", maybe you mean "praying at the floor". One may have prayed while scrubbing the floor, but I don't believe they were actually praying to the floor, so for me it creates some amount of disruption in the reading as I have to stop and ponder what that is suppose to mean.
Regardless, this is a nice twist on a couple of standard fairy tales.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.