yellowjackets

[tectak]

v. 5 thanks to billy. adjusted "hooks", S7; added "without a fight" to the same stanza



After you take the jar
and remove it from the freezer,

--the guest said,
addressing the table--possibly begin with these two lines to avoid the clumsiness requiring dashes. Either way, still, very good hook.

the nest thaws
and yellowjackets,

frozen in paper cells,
wake as prisoners.Luckily, I know what this means and so I don't give a damn if other readers/critics do not. This is NOT obscure but it is informative. Well done!

Gone is the unfinished wall
used for shelter, traded

for a canister of glass;
before torpor ends,

a strand of rope
nets their golden bandsbut I do not know what this means....will I find out? The lines are still holding me and I want to follow you.

without a fight. Once warm,
they fly like torn flags Stop required. Cannot get the "torn flags analogy. Stretching things a little in this stanza.

--he laughs, takes a question
on the number of hives in the empty house--The use of dashes can be a construct to identify "sameness" of intent or characterisation. You have been consistent and accurate in the locating of same and so maybe my earlier comment may be ignored. I am not sure. Perhaps others will opine.

Enough to burn, one to save
for when the wind was strong

enough to drag any flag
back to life.Now I am sure that there is some deep significance to the final stanza but it eludes me. This is a great pity. I would strongly encourage you to buttress up this end-piece with bricks of clarity and mortar of intent. Hell, where did that come from. I'm a poet, and I know it, hope I don't blow it. Bugger, I just had a Dylan reflux!
Like it but not a lot....yet.
Best,
tectak



v. 4
-new stanzass (4 and 5) added
-"empty" added to "house"




After you take the jar
and remove it from the freezer,

--the guest said,
addressing the table--

the nest thaws
and yellowjackets,

frozen in paper cells,
wake as prisoners.

Gone is the unfinished wall
used for shelter, traded

for a canister of glass; before torpor ends,
a strand of rope hooks

the bands of black
and gold on exposed skeletons.

Once warm,
they fly like torn flags

--he laughs, takes a question
on the number of hives in the empty house--

Enough to burn, one to save
for when the wind was strong

enough to drag any flag
back to life.




v. 3 tried removing excess

After you take the jar
and remove it from the freezer,

--the guest said,
addressing the table--

the nest thaws
and yellowjackets wake

without a home carved into
an unfinished wall.

Before torpor ends,
a strand of rope hooks

the bands of black
and gold on their skeletons.

Once warm,
they fly like torn flags

--he laughs, takes a question
on the number of hives in the house--

Enough to burn, one to save
for when the wind was strong

enough to drag any flag
back to life.




V. 2 slight wording adjustments; hope they make the "piece" even tighter


After you take the jar from the freezer
-the guest said, addressing the table-

Unscrew the lid and wait for the nest inside
to thaw as the yellowjackets warm and wake,

exiled from the exposed beams
of an unfinished, pine-scented home.

Wear heavy clothes and goggles
to avoid the stings; after all,

some people are allergic; and bring string
to tie around their banded bodies.

They fly like flags
-here, he laughs,

takes a question on the number of hives
planted in the unassembled walls-

Enough to burn, one to save
for when the wind was strong

enough to drag any flag
back to life.



v. 1

After you take the jar from the freezer
-the diner said, addressing the table-

Unscrew the lid and wait for the honeycomb
to thaw as the yellowjackets warm to life,

immigrants, pushed out of the exposed beams
of a new, pine-scented home.

Wear heavy clothes and goggles
to avoid the stings; after all,

some people are allergic; and bring string
to tie around their bodies.

They fly like flags
-here, he laughs,

takes a question on the number of hives
planted in the house-

Enough to burn, one to save
for when the wind was strong

enough to drag any flag
back to life.