Forgive Me

[Zerric]

A throbbing pain bathes me in despair,
Blood on my hands, blank eyes that stare,

A crushing darkness, screams from hell,
Is time going on? I cannot tell,

Running from pain, a reflex action,
My heart bleeds, from this attraction,

Am I being chased? What was that sound?
Was that my heartbeat or have I been found?

Footsteps approach.....What should I do?
The guilt of existance breaks me in two.

He comes closer. I can barely stand.
I killed her, I can kill this man....

Hands crush his throat, the strength of the Devil,
His body spasms, then ceases to tremble.

What have I done? My skull splits open.
This black heart exists since the other is broken.

I look up. What's this? A church in sight.
A welcoming beacon, a guiding light.

I walk to the gate, good, its not locked.
The doors crash open, the priest stands shocked.

The blood on my hands, that stains my clothes.
What should I do? Only He knows.

The priest stands aside, hands clasped in prayer.
Ha! The Fool! He prays for the Savior,

But My body moves of its own accord,
I fall to my knees, fall to the Lord.

The fire is gone, The fury dimmed.
Forgive Me, Lord............

I Have Sinned.

[Zerric]

I wanted to bring forth some semblance of insanity in the narrator. He's unsure about what he awakens to, like he has no recollection of anything before seeing her dead, with her blood on his hands. And its not so much a narration, as a conversation he has with himself.

[justcloudy]

hi Zerric
from reading your comment above, it seems like you didn't really get across what you wanted to. rhyming couplets are hard because they're very restrictive, and have to be done well to avoid sounding silly. maybe you can play with this and put it into a different form and see what shape it takes on. it didn't feel very dark to me and I wasn't quite sure what was going on either, so though the story may be powerful, the writing isn't quite there yet. good luck and looking forward to an edit!
-cloudy

[James]

Hi Zerric
From reading your poem I believe that less format would serve your writing justice. By being more free about it, you can really develop the insanity that you were going for, a least in my experience, restricting myself with a tight format usually keeps from from thoroughly getting my point across.
- James

[Sonata]

I like it. But i think that you should spend a little more time on it, first:
I think that you would write great prose.
Second:
I think you've made it prose too much? I mean only difference between this poem and let's say a short story is that this has stanzas. Don't get me wrong, poem has melody and rhytm and it is poetry, i just think you've went too much in a wrong direction. Try shortening the whole I've been there - I've done this, part and give those emotions a shape, you have enough of those just make them count.

[billy]

hi zerric, good seeing members giving feedback

it feels that you're using a lot of cliche. some of the end rhymes need working on stand/man, devil/tremble, there are a few more. try and use a constant meter. at present you're telling the story. show us the story create images, use a simile, metaphor, or other poetic device. if you're not sure how too, ask us for examples we will help if we can.

A throbbing pain bathes me in despair,
Blood on my hands, blank eyes that stare,

A crushing darkness, screams from hell,
Is time going on? I cannot tell,

Running from pain, a reflex action,
My heart bleeds, from this attraction,

Am I being chased? What was that sound?just use commas and the one question mark at the end of the found.
Was that my heartbeat or have I been found?

Footsteps approach.....What should I do? no need for the dots, if you do use them i think they come in three's
The guilt of existance breaks me in two.

He comes closer. I can barely stand.
I killed her, I can kill this man....

Hands crush his throat, the strength of the Devil,
His body spasms, then ceases to tremble.

What have I done? My skull splits open.
This black heart exists since the other is broken.

I look up. What's this? A church in sight.
A welcoming beacon, a guiding light.

I walk to the gate, good, its not locked.
The doors crash open, the priest stands shocked.

The blood on my hands, that stains my clothes.
What should I do? Only He knows.

The priest stands aside, hands clasped in prayer.
Ha! The Fool! He prays for the Savior,

But My body moves of its own accord,
I fall to my knees, fall to the Lord.

The fire is gone, The fury dimmed.
Forgive Me, Lord............ two Lords in three lines is one too many, why not God forgive me or something like it as the end line.

I Have Sinned.

[Zerric]

Hey everyone,
thnx for your replies. I understand that the form is highly restrictive...and honestly i don't know why i chose to do rhyming couplets. And, i acknowledge that some of my rhymes were forced. Thank you for your critique, i'll keep it in mind as i write further.

no need for the dots, if you do use them i think they come in three's

Sorry, my bad... I'm so used to typing the dots, i tend to go overboard. I'm trying to change