Forgotten

[starstruck]

Forgotten,
Like the way the sky forgets the sun at 1 AM,
You forgot me.

I was replaced.
You traded in your coal for a diamond,
Leaving it to fade into the wind without a trace.
Just like you left me.

What once was a treasure
Is now merely rubbish
That you tossed away.
Just like you threw me away.

Forgotten,
Like the penny left in the pocket of an old pair of jeans,
You forgot me.

[C.M.C.]

Forgotten,
Like the way the sky forgets the sun at 1 AM, definitely could be shortened
You forgot me.

I was replaced. If the stanzas are going to be similar they will need a meter. Count the syllables and make a meter for the poem. Here is a link for an explanation of meters on the forum: http://pigpenpoetry.com/showthread.php?tid=3512
You traded in your coal for a diamond, once again shorten up a bit and keep a constant meter. Either get reid of this line or add another line to the first stanza.
Just like you left me. Say something shorter with the same syllable count as "you forgot me"

What once was a treasure
Is now merely rubbish
That you tossed away.
Just like you threw me away. This whole stanza seems off from the rest of the poem.

Forgotten,
Like the penny left in the pocket of an old pair of jeans, Once again, slim it down.
You forgot me.

I like the poems idea, but I think you could use some structure to it. I also think it could be shortened to get to the point without a lot of useless words. I'm going to give an example of how it could be worded better:


Forgotten,
like the sky forgets the sun at night.
You forgot me.

I'm replaced.
You traded in your coal for diamond.
You just left me.

What once was
a treasure is now merely rubbish.
I'm thrown away.

Forgotten,
like a penny left in old pockets.
You forgot me.

I hope this helped you!

[Truerenigma]

Hi starstruck,
Not every poems needs a meter, but the line breaks may need some work. A few other nits.

Forgotten,
Like the way the sky forgets the sun at 1 AM, the sky doesn't forget. The moon remembers
You forgot me.

I was replaced.
You traded in your coal for a diamond,
Leaving it to fade into the wind without a trace. "without a trace" is a little week, and the rhyme isn't really worth it. "Leaving it to fade in the wind is stronger, but has nothing to do with diamonds or coal.
Just like you left me.

What once was a treasure
Is now merely rubbish
That you tossed away.
Just like you threw me away. this whole stanza is cliche

Forgotten,
Like the penny left in the pocket of an old pair of jeans, this I liked. But it could be simplified. In fact, it's the whole poem for me. You could actually have a decent poem if you just built around this analogy
You forgot me.

The Penny in Your Pocket/ Forgotten:

Forgotten like the penny in your jeans
that's left to bang against the dryer walls,
you left me there. Now no one can see my sheen
of copper gleam. I'm tumbling through the seams
of your old things, remember those old dreams?
I'm clinking in your pocket but my call's
forgotten; like the penny in your jeans,
that's left to bang against the dryer walls.

[syntheticsunset]

One of the things that separates great writing from mediocre writing is the "show, don't tell" rule. With that in mind, I'm going to make some suggestions below. Feel free to use what you like and ignore the rest.

Forgotten,
Like the way the sky forgets the sun at 1 AM,
You forgot me. This is redundant with line 1

I was replaced.
You traded in your coal for a diamond,
Leaving it to fade into the wind without a trace. What has wind got to do with coal or diamond?
Just like you left me. This is an example of telling. You just showed us with the coal/diamond metaphor. No need to hammer it home.

What once was a treasure
Is now merely rubbish "merely" doesn't add much. Beware modifiers (adjectives and adverbs). Often a good noun is much better than a mediocre noun modified by an adjective.
That you tossed away.
Just like you threw me away. Another example of telling, this line is unnecessary after the garbage metaphor.

Forgotten, redundant
Like the penny left in the pocket of an old pair of jeans, In this line, "old" is another modifier that you can probably live without
You forgot me. you've said this

A good way to improve your poem is to take all the parts you think are good, throw the rest away and then rewrite from there. For example, you could take out some of the lines above and end up with a tighter poem like this:

You forgot me,
the way the sky forgets the sun at night,
traded in your coal for diamonds, shining bright.
Once your treasure, now your trash,
I'm but a penny lost in the pocket of your memory.