city park

[justcloudy]

revision 1


Ants dance with dead leaves
march over mountains
of scented cut grass
bearing offers for the realm.
Microcosmic duty, no match
for the man in uniform goggles,
his watch, and his waving sound
of whacking line which tours through,
tramps highlands and population to ruin.
The man demands absolution:
he only seeks [manicures] beauty.

Ants dance over dirt, over gravel-filled holes
over cigarette butts, beige from sun, rain and age
flicked off by man’s hands as vice completed.
Effects waltz with attentions, transporting the pair
far from grime and concrete enduring man’s mass.




original

this was a "sit outside and write about what you hear" exercise. personally I like it but that's because I have context, but I'd like to know if others think it's worth developing into something less rough. thanks =]

Ants dance with dead leaves
march over mountains
of scented cut grass
chopped down by the manic whir
the waving sound of whacking line
weeds are no match
to the man in uniform goggles
seeking manicured beauty.

Ants dance over dirt
over gravel-filled holes
over cigarette butts, beige
from sun, from rain and age
flicked away by those
whose vice is complete
whose thoughts wander far
from this concrete step.

[Todd]

this was a "sit outside and write about what you hear" exercise. personally I like it but that's because I have context, but I'd like to know if others think it's worth developing into something less rough. thanks =]



Ants dance with dead leaves
march over mountains
of scented cut grass
chopped down by the manic whir
the waving sound of whacking line
weeds are no match
to the man in uniform goggles
seeking manicured beauty.

Ants dance over dirt
over gravel-filled holes
over cigarette butts, beige
from sun, from rain and age
flicked away by those
whose vice is complete
whose thoughts wander far
from this concrete step.

Hi Cloudy, yeah I think you can develop this. It feels like connecting the observations of ants (which I really like) to the people whose thoughts wander away may be the path for this one. Another option would be to link the thought process to the pattern of the ants. I like the progressive feel of the first line of each strophe.

So, I think this would be good to flesh out more.

Best,

Todd

[justcloudy]

thanks Todd, I like the suggestions! it was a listening exercise and all I could think of was what the ants would sound like if I were small enough to hear them. both of your ideas kinda tie in with that... I'll ponder. thanks =]

[Heartafire]

Very fine writing cloudy, ants maze me with their tenacity, I could always imagine them as a metaphor in this.
Heart

[Ehud]

This seems like something good to build on. Perhaps you could focus more on the ants and their journey. Where are they going?

[rowens]

I read this before any of the comments had been posted, and I didn't think that the ants were the main subject.

If you'd like more information on ants though, there's about to be a post in the Sewer, if you'd like to stop by.

[serge gurkski]

this was a "sit outside and write about what you hear" exercise. personally I like it but that's because I have context, but I'd like to know if others think it's worth developing into something less rough. thanks =]



Ants dance with dead leaves
march over mountains
of scented cut grass the first three lines flow ( I know an overused word but here it simply applies) wonderfully smoothly)
chopped down by the manic whir
the waving sound of whacking line
weeds are no match
to the man in uniform goggles
seeking manicured beauty.

Ants dance over dirt
over gravel-filled holes
over cigarette butts, beige
from sun, from rain and age
flicked away by those
whose vice is complete I needed a bit to get this (must be so bc mine is far from complete ;-) )
whose thoughts wander far
from this concrete step. funnily enough I always read (aloud) steep here, bc of complete, 2 lines above.

Hi cloudy,
first of all it is an interesting exercise (this onomatopoie(t)ic approach has of course been used rather often not just in poetry but in belles lettres in general, but you top it by inventing metaphors for sounds ). What I find quite witty is the way in which you apply this technique. It made me grin actually, because it is exactly the sounds that you could NOT hear, that you are bold enough to pretend to describe. Ok then I am willing to pretend it that I buy into it. ,-) Or, nope! I have changed my mind! ;-) The sounds (whir, etc) are audible. So, maybe I was wrong above.
I read the whole poem as one extended metaphor. As to the plot I detected 2 or maybe 3 layers (the perspective on the microspheric level, the narrator's macroscopic view (a bit tautologically phrased by me here bc of the meaning of greek skopein. ;-) and now it gets a bit difficult bc of the complexity: the poet / the narrator does show (not tell) but in addition interpretes or reflects upon what she sees: your usage of "vice" for "butts" and also of "manicured" for ""mown" .

As to other poetic devices used: You do a lot of nice little things to your poem which I just list here: aliteration (dance/dead, march/mountains etc.) , internal rhymes ants dance), parallel constructions or call it repetition of semi-lines at least or(S1l1-S2l1).

I enjoyed the read very much! You asked if you maybe should add more context. Well, I don't think so but will confess I had read it 3 or 4 times to hopefully have "got" it. It is much more complex than it pretends(see above) to be. Now i canonly hope that I did not miss too much and was not completely wrong. ;.-)

cheers
Serge

[Magpie]

Hi cloudy,
I like this very much and the concept I appreciate because I did exactly the same thing about 10 years ago where I just wrote what I heard. I posted it on here as my second poem http://pigpenpoetry.com/showthread.php?tid=9802 but either people didn't get it or it was just one of those things, although rowens did comment on it and gave some helpful advice.
I like what you've done with yours in the sense of adding the visual aspect and had you posted it without the explanation I would of read it in a different way, but still as a good poem.
I appreciate the concept very much because the majority of poetry is visual based which is understandable, and that is partly why I tried to tackle the subject but I think it's more difficult to describe sounds than it is visual scenes. But I also think it is something worth pursuing even just as an exercise. Part of the reason why I wrote my 'sound poem' was based on a Buddhist meditation that I read about where you concentrate on how many sounds you can hear individually and try and keep track of them all at the same time, and I think the idea is that the last sound you come down to is your breathing.
Thanks for the read and I appreciate the concept.
AR

[Keith]

I enjoyed this micro study and its well worth developing, I also enjoyed the shift from detail to landscape and as Todd suggest a comparison of human to ant could really work, not so keen on the lines 3 & 4 of S1 as they only says the same as the last three lines of the stanza and I prefer these but all in all you have a good concept that deserves some more time in the workshop. TOMH

[justcloudy]

thanks all for these many responses, I appreciate the time you took and am very pleased you enjoyed it. now to make it better...
esp thanks to serge for picking it apart and making me see things that even I had missed ;D and you're right in a way, I started out trying to talk about sounds I couldn't hear, but as AR said I strayed more to the visual. @AR I read your poem and you did a much better job than I did actually sticking to your guns and writing what you were supposed to. mine got away from me but I didn't mind too much, seeing as that's generally how my life goes.
anyway enough blah blah, thanks for the suggestions everyone and I'll be posting a revision soon!

[serge gurkski]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Microcosmos_(film)

fascinating docu! Was my first thought, when you introduced the ants.

trailer:
http://youtu.be/76R2EKEnoJQ

(also pls read rowen on ants. ,-) )

cheers
serge

[justcloudy]

thanks serge!
rowen: the sewer-- eh? elucidate me.

[serge gurkski]

yes (sewer) he gets a bit Philip K Dick-ish ( no pun) but in general, I think he's on to sth. judging from the docus I have watched about ants.

---

Oh! just now read that down there where the sun don't shine ,-) .

Belated Happy Birthday to you! :-)

cheers!

[justcloudy]

thanks serge =]

[rowens]

Follow the anagogic alligator to the empyreal pulp run-off in the sky.

When you get there, ask which way to the Sewer of this site.

[serge gurkski]

Why did I ever mention Dick! Must blame it on myself. What is the equivalent of "android" in ant-ish: formicidoid maybe (sexyer of course would be: formoid). So, to quote (and adapt) a title of a book not by me:
"Do Androids dream of electric sheep?"
let me translate thusly:
Do Form(icid)oids dream of electric aphids
(aphids= plant lice =

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aphid)

---

only a subfamily of ants of course. I think they speak the equivalent of Brasileiro, Tupi-fining it maybe by throwing into their chatter some old-fashioned idioms of the língua geral.

---

(subfamily/group of ants: those who milk lice.)

[Dibbs]

But it doesn't rhyme. ....


Just kidding.. wonderful narrative, very picturesque.

[justcloudy]

am I the only one that always feels like my revisions are worse than my first efforts? yikes. anyway one is posted. I'm not convinced that my sacrifice of rhythm/brevity for depth of meaning is worth it. any/all thoughts appreciated. thanks. =]

[rowens]

On one hand, it seems a bit stiff. On another hand, the objective, matter of fact, march of the ants makes the stiffness not stiff, but appropriate.

[serge gurkski]

I like the new first stanza better: the picture gets clearer. I can see what rowen means (including, that it's appropriate.)
But it is not really Marschmusik. ;-)
"manicures" that you put in brackets - and, may I say, wisely so (without getting slapped) - is cute bc of the double entrendre but - and this I find funny - sabotages exactly what you tried to achieve above that line. ,-)

S2: I need more time to look into it.

In general I would let sit the different versions a bit (of time) next to each other. My experience is that some details only become visible after a break. I don't mean years- ,-) but maybe 1, 2 or 3 days. (I myself of course almost never apply that wise advice.)

cheers
serge