(1st edit)14th May Haiku

[Magpie]

Balmy spring evening,
illuminated street light,
gossamer glowing.

Above busy bees
electricity surges
through buzzing pylon

Constructing it's nest
Blackbird begins third attempt
on top of porch light

Original

Balmy spring evening,
illuminated street light,
gossamer glowing.

Towering pylon,
electricity above,
buzzing bees below.

Vivid red petals...
unsheltered, weather beaten
Wallflower swaying.

[cidermaid]

Hi AR,
I think that these are three very nicly connected poems and that they scan really well as a single unit. I don't know if that was your intention or not. it seems to be a bit of a thing you have going at the moment (to have three connected Haiku / senryu) and maybe this is something you could continue to delvelop and as it is a good thing you are building on.
Individually I think each one works well enough on it's own but I really do think they should be kept together as a unit.

Of the three I think that the final unit is the weakest in that it is not in the same mould as the other two, which both have a spring element and a man made / natural contrast going on. (I take bees as a sign of late spring). Having said that I love that you have managed to make the last line / first line of each relate to each other and this has been maintained from the 2nd to the 3rd. Perhaps a small rework on either the 2nd or 3rd lines in the final stanza would tighten this up.
Well done on these and all of your other recent Haiku poems, you have a lovely style developing that i appreciate.
Thanks for sharing. AJ.

[billy]

Balmy spring evening,
illuminated street light,
gossamer glowing.

i like the image of gossamer capturing light

Towering pylon,
electricity above,
buzzing bees below.

above is a given, i see nothing wrong with just the one word there, you could us sparks or flashes or something else if you really want the 7. other than that it's a keeper.

Vivid red petals...
unsheltered, weather beaten
Wallflower swaying.

i'm not sure but i don't think punctuation is used in the haiku (it's worth checking in case i'm wrong )

[Volaticus]

Balmy spring evening,
illuminated street light,
gossamer glowing.

Towering pylon,
electricity above,
buzzing bees below.

Vivid red petals...
unsheltered, weather beaten
Wallflower swaying.

Hi AR,
I think you've done an excellent job with these, and they fit well together as a whole piece. I didn't know what 'gossamer' was, before I looked it up. It's a really beautiful picture you have there, and it also taught me a new, very usable word, so thanks. The second has that natural/human-made contrast that I also liked in some of your other pieces. The last one, I'm sorry I didn't like so much. For me, the picture doesn't stand as strong in my head, as it did when I read the other two.
Best,
-LB

[Magpie]

Hi AJ,
Thanks for the kind comments and observations, I think you are right about having 3 haiku/senryu together and connected in some way. It has not been my intention to do this, I just kind of stumbled into it, but I'm starting to like it as a concept. Also I agree with you that the last haiku here is the weakest as regards a connecting link and I even knew that but still for some reason I posted it. There was another haiku I wanted to put in about a blackbird making a nest on a light which would of made more sense but at the time it wasn't quite ready, but I think I shall edit this and include it. Also I wanted to try and write three haiku without words like and, the, a (I'm sure there's a word for these words but I don't know it) because people usually say drop the "the" or "and", but I'm not really sure if this worked or not.
Thanks again.
AR

Hi Billy,
Thanks for you observations, I see you've noticed my need to keep to the 5-7-5 structure. I don't know if it's a good thing or not, it feels like more of a superstition at the moment.
As regards the second haiku, thanks for pointing that out about 'above' being a given, I need to keep more of a watch for "wasted" words when writing haiku. Originally I was going to have it as Electricity? on the first line but I was unsure about the question mark which brings me to your second point about punctuation. I've done some research and it seems to be another one of those much debated issues that gets people really angry. It seems that there is a word in Japanese that represents '...' but not always, and the same goes for '?'. So in Japanese that would count as a syllable whereas in English it feels like a extra word for free. I think I'll come down in the middle and say use it sparingly, although I'll think about it a bit more.
Thanks again
AR

Hi Volaticus,
Thanks for taking the time to read and comment on these. I also discovered the word 'gossamer' from a poem, a Walt Whitman poem. And it is such a good word, that sounds beautiful too.
I do agree with you that the third haiku is the weakest in that it doesn't fit in with the others in a visual sense and even though I knew this I still posted it in my eagerness. Although I think I will do a slight edit and also change the last haiku to make it fit in better, there is another that did fit in but wasn't quite finished.
Thanks again
AR

[Magpie]

1st edit, although the more I change it the less I am able to be independently critical.